Zivan Vasquez

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Articles

  • Auntie Tartan

    Q. My roommate keeps sexiling me over and over. What do I do?
    A. First off, nice! That was for your roommate, not you. Get a life, ya virgin, or learn how to sleep in the tub.

    Pillbox | November 8, 2021
  • Spider-Boy and the Web-Men: many many feelings

    To say that I am excited to see the newest MCU Spider-Man film, “No Way Home,” would be a super-criminal understatement. However, when I realized that the previous Spider-Men (or Spider-Persons) would also probably be in it, I remembered something: Tom Holland is the worst of the three.

    Forum | November 1, 2021
  • Auntie Tartan (with minutes to spare!)

    Q: I hear there’s gonna be a solar flare this week. How should I prepare?
    A: The Sun absolutely loathes the Moon, so if you can, dress up like its mortal enemy. Wear crescents wherever you can and make sure that you smell like a freshly baked croissant. That way the Sun’s harmful super-rays will bounce harmlessly off your stylish body.

    Pillbox | November 1, 2021
  • I Found DARPA's Wishlist!

    Carnegie Mellon has always been at the forefront of computing technology. Our databases have databases, and those databases have biceps. Which is why it’s so odd that I found a handwritten memo in Scott Hall chock full of requests from DARPA, the Department of Homeland Security, and ICE, asking for us to develop these technologies in the vein of national security. Keep your eyes peeled for the fol...

    Pillbox | November 1, 2021
  • Auntie Tartan (typed in a rush, unreadable)

    Q. I want to save money on Ubers, but I keep missing the bus! How do I get around the city cheaply?
    A. This question is irrelevant because space as you know it is a construct. I won’t get all Neil De-Ass Tyson on you, but what you have to understand is you’re already where you need to be. If you have to go to Target, just paint a bullseye on your bathroom mirror and BOOM ... you’re in the produce...

    Pillbox | October 25, 2021