Tuck and Roll: Fox moves on from Carlson

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Twitter woke up to an absolute shock when on Monday, April 24, Fox News announced out of nowhere that they were dropping Tucker Carlson from their platform — the bootlicker gets the boot, the irony brings a tear to my eye. We don’t mean to come off as angry leftists who just fill in blanks with random words (call that mad libs), but it’s not my fault the bipartisan divide can’t hide the fact Tucker is a total dick. Honestly though, that’s why the decision surprises me. He was undoubtedly Fox News’ most popular figurehead and I mean, he sure was perfect for the job. He’s a middle aged white guy with a haircut fresh off ChatGPT who can read right-wing talking points angrily enough to activate Fox's audience. Despite this though, out of all the absurdly famous right-wing voices that you know about whether or not you actually want to, Tucker’s the one that makes the least sense.

Andrew Tate fancies himself as the voice of “strong” young men who simply miss the good ol’ days where women couldn’t buy the same color Bugatti as him. Tucker Carlson’s built like the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s midlife crisis, he can’t perpetuate toxic masculinity if he tried, so it begs the question, who in the misogynistic crowd is aspiring to be Tucker Carlson? Was the meltdown over an insufficiently sexy M&M supposed to lecture us on what “real men” look like? Ben Shapiro can at least say enough words per minute to convince the average half-asleep debater he’s a genius, but Tucker straight up snatches the Diar DeRozan playbook and screams until his opponent loses their faith in humanity. God forbid they call him out because if they do, Tucker can rely on ol’ faithful and smugly say, “So much for the tolerant left amirite?” I almost have to respect it. He realizes his incompetence, so his style of “debate” is just to make any left winger look a dumbass for even talking to him (and I mean, he’s right. If you choose to interact with Tucker Carlson, you are indeed a dumbass).

There is still no official reason why Fox News decided now was the time they needed to do away with Tucker. It's believed that Fox let go of Carlson on the personal order of Rupert Murdoch, possibly due to misogynistic comments he made about a female executive. FOX News thrives off of shocking statements, so for all I know, him saying “President Joe Biden” instead of Sleepy Joe may have been their last straw. Of course, it absolutely has to do with the 750 million dollar defamation lawsuit FOX News just lost and refuses to elaborate on, but is cutting Tucker supposed to be their method of saving face? The network has never truly cared about providing accurate information, and Tucker Carlson was their most popular “entertainer." If you’re going to gut your platform without having any change of heart, you might as well keep scumbags your audience actually liked. All they’re left with now is a Legion-of-Doom boardroom full of out-of-touch wannabe politicians who get to regurgitate the same tired right-wing talking points with nowhere near the same level of pissy conviction that made Tucker a notable name in every party.

That’s the thing about this whole goddamn situation, huh? Carlson made so much money for the entirety of Fox News it's hard to imagine the smarmy git gone. He’s the biggest TV personality in these states he's tried so hard to disunite, and the only thing that could deplatform him was a 750 MILLION DOLLAR SETTLEMENT. That’s just pathetic for Fox, but what else can we say of an organization that spent years covering up Bill O’Reilly’s actions?

What’s this mean for Fox? Well, those folks lost 50 percent of their viewership in the Carlson slot. 50 percent. Their ratings have pretty much cratered. They had one cash cow, and they milked it or every drop of rotten-ass milk, and now all they’ve got is Sean Hannity.

This ain’t the end for the Network, not a chance in hell, but it’s sure a new era. The core that built the empire, from O’Reilly to Carlson is gutted, and the actual news anchors — they call it Fox News after all — have left. Krauthammer died, and Wallace walked to CNN.

Speaking of CNN, they notified their own notorious woman-respecter Don Lemon that he would have to find a new place to respect women, after realizing that it might not behoove the media giant to have yet another misogynist on the squad. Lemon was already known for sending threats to a coworker who’d gotten an assignment in Iraq (making him and George Bush the only people eager to go there). After realizing that Don “The Damsel Destroyer” Lemon didn’t seem to work well with women, they didn’t let him work with one on staff until his most recent assignment.

Lemon then followed that up by complaining that there wasn’t enough of a wage gap between the US Men’s and Women’s Soccer teams. This made a lot of sense at the time, as the Men’s team was working hard on losing, while the Women hadn’t won a title since... the last tournament. After that, Lemon made some very biologically inaccurate statements about how women work— according to the Lemon, they’re only “in their prime” from the ages of 20 to 40. Apparently, they have expiration dates now— someone better tell science.

Either way, there’ve been some high profile firings in the media world now.