Foul Play: Diar DeRozan drafted #1 overal

—Pascal Siakam’s nightmares, probably

Oh man, I forgot how much fun basketball could be.

With the regular season wrapping up, and the Mavs drama ending with Mark Cuban being ordered to spend some pocket lint, I had expected that the NBA might just simmer down, and lay low on the drama for a little bit.

Boy was I wrong.

So, basically, after watching the NBA’s annual tank-off between the Bulls and the Mavs, the Bulls got the 10 seed, and had a shot to make the play-offs by winning two straight. Their first game? Taking down the Toronto Raptors, and proving that Canadians don’t have a place in this game.

Of course, you have to remember that this Chicago Bulls team is very bad. They rank in the bottom half of all offensive stats, and nearly lost a game to the Mavs. The Mavs, for anyone who’s forgotten, were trying to lose that game, and the Bulls still nearly dropped the game against them.

The .500 Raptors on the other hand, were also not great. They hovered around .500 for the season, sometimes hopping up by a bit, sometimes down, and they were also pretty solidly outside the top half of the league in stats, barring some made up nerd numbers from unemployed statistics majors.

This play-in game was the battle of the stoppable object against the movable force, a game which, in all honesty, would’ve been largely forgotten if it weren’t for one little, very loud, distraction.

You see, DeMar DeRozan had secretly hired out a brand new 16th player for his Bulls team: His nine year-old daughter Diar had recently mastered the loud-as-hell-no-jutsu and managed to blast the ears off every Raptors player in the court.

“Oh, it’s just a child screaming, these guys are pros. It wouldn’t bother them,” you’re saying, “the crowd is screaming during the entire game!”

Well, apparently that Raptors team was spooked by loud noises, because they went a whopping 18 for 36 from the charity stripe. A team which shot 80 percent for most of the season could hit a miserable half of their shots.

They lost by four, by the way.

Every time a Raptor walked up to take a free throw, Diar DeRozan would shriek loudly, off tempo, in a way to push the player off-kilter. Her focused bursts of sonic energy (as her agent would describe it) made her the best defender in all of basketball that day, and she’s currently in the hunt for a contract paid entirely in cool toys. Several teams have expressed interest, and Foul Play will obviously keep you up to date.

This marvelous defensive performance (beat it James Harden) made a few Raptors fans slightly annoyed, and they responded with death threats.

Yep. The fans were so fragile they sent death threats to a nine year old because a bunch of grown men paid millions of dollars, got flustered in the heat of the moment. They were so pissy that they wanted to kill a child.

The hate Diar received convinced DeMar not to bring her to the next day’s Bulls-Heat game, one which they lost by 11 points. One could only imagine the damage a prepped Diar could have done on a tired Miami team.

Presuming Diar can keep her performance up, I do think the NBA should probably implement a new Designated Screamer role, just so we can get some actual parity in this league. I shudder to think what big-kid budget teams like the Bulls could get away with if Diar recruits her friends.

“I will not let anything get in the way of me and my competitive enthusiasm to win.”
— Diar DeRozan