Foul Play: So you say "you want Philly Philly"?

Editor’s Note: The views of this author do not reflect the views of the Tartan as a whole.

It’s been five years since the Philadelphia Eagles won their first Super Bowl; a victory that ended in rioting and violence, with fires, car-flipping, and pole-climbing galore. Philly was just showing its love for its team by… uhh… giving them an incentive never to win again, apparently.

Yep, I think I’ve cracked the code. The Philadelphia Eagles were paid off by Mayor Jim Kenney to throw the game just to make sure property damage stayed low. My source? Look, this is the sports section, we don’t do sources here.

It’s a pretty surprising end to the franchise's run to the Super Bowl this year, with Jalen Hurts posting a 14-1 record as a starter, and two dominant wins against the notable high school rugby team the San Francisco 49ers, and the New York Giants, who are perfect and amazing and I love them. The pregame broadcasts bet it all on them winning, by anywhere from three to 10 points. The city put its faith in the Philadelphia Phillies to win the World Ser-

Wait a second, this is the Super Bowl. Football. What does the World Series have to do with it?

Well, this is Philadelphia’s second major championship loss in the 2022-2023 sports season, after a 4-2 series loss against Houston in the Fall Classic. For those of you who are Philly haters (godspeed, I support you wholeheartedly), Philly also lost the Major League Soccer cup to LA this year. Thank god — could you imagine Philadelphia becoming a soccer city?

Honestly, I think it's deserved. If you spent any time watching the commentators talk about Philly, you’d know that Jalen Hurts benched 600 pounds one time in college! And did you know he went to Alabama! And that he benched 600 pounds! That’s like, so many pounds! I, personally, cannot bench 600 pounds, but you know who can? Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts.

As much as people suck off Patrick “Muppet of the Week” Mahomes, at least he, y’know, won. A lot. Against good teams! That seems to be the defining trait that Philly fanboys forgot — the Eagles beat the easiest regular season schedule, lost both games that Hurts wasn’t starting in, and then proceeded to beat a rebuilding Giants team (but still amazing and perfect, go G-men), and a San Francisco team that couldn’t use the forward pass. The amount of shit talk you heard from the Eagles was genuinely surprising considering they ain’t played no one Pawwwwwwwl. The vaunted number one defense in the country couldn’t perform a single stop in the second half against a one-legged Mahomes. The pass rush that was supposed to tear up KC’s O-line didn’t ever approach a sack. The team that everyone bet on turned out to be the pretenders that all the real experts (me and a guy called Harry) had said all along.

Look, I know I come off like I hate Philly. That’s because I’m a Giants fan, and this is the only joy we’ve gotten since Eli Manning. So lemme take what wins I get okay? And to be honest, Philly did show class in losing. Many people (me, mostly) were expecting Philadelphia to go up in flames, and we were pleasantly surprised Philadelphia only threw a few fireworks, and flipped maybe one car. Bravo Philadelphia, you’re getting used to losing. Just in time for the 76ers to lose in the conference semifinals. Again.

Damn, that city has been going through the wringer when it comes to their sports.

Point and laugh. Point. And. Cackle.

Philly has lost so much that they’ve become numb to it. The city just sat in shock. They protested, they cheered for their team, they shouted, "F*** THE CHIEFS," but all in all, it was tepid.

Philly ended their season not with a bang, but with a whimper, not once, not twice, but three times.

But hey, there’s always next year!