Tuition and you: Why it's not less, and you should want more

Many oceans could be filled with the tears of students who cry about tuition costs. Several blimps could take flight with the hot air spewed by undergrads whining about how much it costs to go here. Oh, blimps don’t use hot air? I’m mixing metaphors? I’m thinking of something else, like a hot-air balloon or maybe a weird submarine? Well gosh, I wish I’d gone to Zeppelin 202 lecture more instead of writing needless articles reminding you how valuable education is, and why it’s worth every penny you spend.

Remember the alternative is that you stay home. It should go without saying that you’re not just paying for information or training, you’re paying for an experience. Where else could you have awkward sexual encounters following your tenth Tame Impala recommendation? Home?? YUCK!

You can pay it right back once you graduate. Do you know what the mean salary is of a Carnegie Mellon grad is? Do you know what the median salary is? Do you know the difference? No? Stay in school, dummy.

Everyone else is paying the same amount. Absolutely everyone at Carnegie Mellon is paying the exact same amount to go here as you are. We are each spending exactly 58,810 USD to attend classes, all provided in rare coins and lawn work. All of us.

What else would you spend the money on? No seriously, think about that. Think about what you would do with several thousand dollars. Think about how much harder life would be if instead of problem sets and exams your money took the form of dollar bills you could spend on literally anything.

Loans ain’t that predatory. Don’t think of loans as tools to financially enslave impressionable young people. Think of them as a little pocket money that your grandma gives you on a weekend. “Thanks Nanna, can’t wait to go to the candy store! What’s that? You’ll break my legs and cripple my family with debt even if I die, not allowing even the sweet release of death to free me from these dubiously-crafted fiscal shackles? Haha, you crazy old coot, see you later!”

Farnam only has a 2018 Acura MDX. We can all agree the only good thing about 2018 was Infinity War, so let’s get our very own Tartan Mad Titan a new car!

How else will you flex on poor people? Everyone knows that the quickest way to make and keep friends is to make sure they know you make/spend more money than them. Sure, my friends are all body pillows I found in Doherty, but they don’t mind.