Football team adopts classism to beat D1 opponents

Carnegie Mellon football is a many-headed beast, full of talent, sweat, and spandex. However, more than brute strength, Tartan players must leverage their creativity and intelligence to win on the field. New plays, tactics, and strategies are always being developed in a sport as fast-paced as football, but here I would like to highlight a truly novel angle our team has adopted.

“I was on my ass, five minutes left on the clock,” said QB and viola performance freshman Rudolph “Ruddy” Thomas. He’s referring to the game played between The Tartans and Ohio State. Ordinarily, the Ohio State Buckeyes are easily towards the top of D1 while Carnegie Mellon has scrapped a D 2.8 for ten years running. However, due to rampant cases of “Raider rash” from an away game at Texas Tech and a number of administrative mistakes, our boys faced off against their Columbus rivals on a cold afternoon in February. “I asked the right-tackle if he liked mopping the floor with us, and he got all pissed, because his dad apparently mops floors back at Ohio State. That’s when I had an idea.” That passing exchange made Thomas, and soon the rest of his team, realize a key insight. No matter how much better the Buckeyes were at football, how many more genetic gifts they had, or how many more girlfriends they had in high school and college, the fact remained that we go to an expensive, elite institution. And while that advantage is clear off the field, Thomas saw its potential on the gridiron.

“When I saw him get upset, I tried asking him what his mom does. He said accountant. I knew this was my shot. Right before the hike I told him my labradoodle likes to go as an accountant for doggy Halloween at our mansion. That’s not a lie, but this dude lost it.” Thomas recounts his early attempts at mindgames with both glee and frustration. “At that time I hadn’t really honed in how to use my class as a weapon on the football field. I knew we needed to do more research.” After that game, Thomas began discussing his new strategy with his teammates.

At first their efforts were a bit hamfisted. To combat the cold and remind opponents of the chilling inequity in the world, Tartans wore Canada Goose jackets to and during their games. However, what mental advantages they won were countered by the ensuing heatstroke. Next, they tried a more technical approach. “My dad works for DARPA, so I was able to get him to lend us a few drones. Once you take off the laser cannons, it’s actually a super cool way to get field-side Chipotle delivered!” remarks linebacker and ECE sophomore Jared Kim. After witnessing such a blatant display of privilege, even the tech-savvy Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets soon lost the will to keep playing. The last few games, our pals in plaid have adopted an even more subversive stratagem. “We’ve convinced AB Tech to let us use the scoreboard to display our Amazon offer letters in between possession changes. Usually around half-time we’re up two or three touchdowns.”

While our current winning streak is something to be admired, Thomas wants to emphasize that it likely will not last forever. “Sure, right now we can wear Google swag over our jerseys, or tie our hair up with Rolexes, but there’s a lifetime on all of this. Once these guys remember they can go pro and make millions, the carriage’ll turn back into a pumpkin, and we’ll get our asses kicked.”