University plans to make carnival virtual, citing rain and COVID risk

It was a dire day on Friday, when student government officials learned of Carnegie Mellon’s terrible plan. Due to the usual forecast of rain and a little bit of snow, and also the mass amount of alumni that will be coming back to campus, the university has announced that Carnival is canceled.

“It was not a good day to be us,” one student government official commented. “We had students immediately complain to us following the university’s announcement.” All students interviewed asked to remain anonymous.

The university noticed the weather forecast, shocked that the muddy season that occurs during this time of the year had reared its ugly head again to metaphorically and literally rain on the university’s parade.

Additionally, despite the university believing that they had eliminated COVID by removing the mask mandate, it has once again reared its ugly protein spikes once again.

But why did the university make carnival virtual again? It is because this announcement was made on April 1st. But it wasn’t written by April 1st. It was written by me.

Hi. My name is Sujay Utkarsh, and I’m a self-defined social scientist. What you have witnessed today is a social experiment. Perhaps you looked at this front page with the big bold letters and your mind panicked. Or perhaps you took the newspaper and used it for your booth. No matter what you did, you perpetuated disinformation by picking up our issue today.

So to all of you, your friends, and your loved ones, here is a guide to combatting disinformation.
1. Read articles in their entirety.
2. Fact check for yourself.
3. Write your own disinformation to balance out theirs.
4. Buy some good food at a nice restaurant, you deserve it!

So just remember y’all, don’t be a victim of disinformation. And don’t perpetuate it by engaging. So whether you picked this up because you got got or because you need some materials for Booth, be engaged and maintain healthy optimism and skepticism.