Ukraine: Who to Ask?

Fingernails the world over were chewed off and spat at any screen with Vladimir Putin on it following the invasion of Ukraine. Rivers of anxiety cross streams of tears as the world reels in horror. But what follows horror? Fear. And what follows fear? Another synonym. And after that? Confusion. Western Europeans, Eastern Europeans, Ukrainians, and most importantly, Americans, are struggling to make sense of what has rapidly turned into a social media swirly in the middle school bathroom of geopolitics. Who should we turn to? Who should we listen to? Who should we ask about Ukraine?
Below is a list of trusted sources of information, interpretation, and consolation:

  1. Your mom. Oh, you don’t think she knows about the situation across the Atlantic? Would it kill you to ask? Would it kill you to call? It shouldn’t take World War 3 for you to ask your mom about that one political science guy she dated before meeting your father.
  2. The guy who pulls up the videos for Joe Rogan. Jaime, I think? Ask him what he thinks. As a guy that works for a bald despot, he should have deep insight into Putin’s machinations.
  3. Tony One-Leg and Gumless Gang under the overpass. That fella is perhaps the most progressive guy I know. Every time I see him he’s asking for change.
  4. Barack Obama (circa 1988). Hop in the DeLorean and share a joint with America’s coolest president as he breaks down every detail of a conflict we all should’ve seen coming.
  5. The Go-Puff lady that works Saturday nights. If I know one thing, it’s that delivery people are always ready to chat at length about upsetting and complicated issues after delivering your third box of Donettes. Just buy it all at once, Kevin! Or go to the grocery store and leave Teresa alone, Kevin!
  6. The super-smart science dog that recently achieved sapience on last month’s full moon. Implore the wisdom of this clever canine as he inducts you into his Puppy Strike Force meant to take down the Russian regime.
  7. Chris Pine. Or … Matt Damon? Ok, whoever played Captain Kirk in the 2009 Star Trek remake. This is assuming you can’t get Sir Patrick Stewart on the phone, because I think the radiation from an iPhone is enough to kill him now.

And finally, yourself. Ask yourself what to think, and maybe ask why you’re so willing to accept that anybody anywhere knows what the hell they’re talking about.