Ask Auntie Tartan

Q: “Hi A.T. I’m thinking about leaving my SO. How should I do it?"
A: Two words. The. Fence. If there’s one thing that CMU students underestimate, it’s the power and potential of our favorite drippy fixture. Sure, RAs use it as an opportunity to spread school spirit during O Week. Yeah, 112 and Bhangra paint it when they need the publicity. But the real advantage is that you can loudly, publicly, and more-or-less anonymously say whatever you want to virtually everyone on campus, including your soon-to-be-ex. That’s the alpha thing to do, anyways. Show ‘em you wore the pants in the relationship the whole time. Some people send a text, you paint the Fence.

Q: “A.T., I’m getting tired of the same ol’ apps. What do you use to find love?"
A: Take the path of least resistance. What’s a site you’re already always using? YouTube? Facebook? Twitter? No! Piazza. According to a study I half remember from a dream I had, over 80% of students will lunge towards their phone if they think it’s a post about their upcoming assignment. Use that panic to your advantage. Personally, when I’m writing bae I title all my messages with “Due Date Moved Up”, just to make sure I got their attention.

Q: “Heart health is super important, A.T. How does a busy Tartan like me get their cardio?”
A: Creativity is the name of the game. Use your head when you gotta move your body. In line at a career fair? Run in place! That way, you’ll work up a sweat, and your recruiter will subconsciously think you’re that excited to work for them. Walking past the Fence? Jump over it! What is the Fence if not a massive hurdle with some club painted on it. See a rabbit on the cut? Chase it to its warren and meet its family.