Pillbox

A Going Away Note

Am I awake or am I asleep? Shoot. That’s an ad, isn’t it? It’s another ad. Actually, it’s two. And they’re unskippable. 15 seconds each. Shoot. Where is my mind? My computer looks like it’s so close yet so far away. Perhaps that means something. Is my reality so desolate that my depth perception is determined by the distance between my face and a screen?

Hello there. You must be wondering why I’m here in this position. Lying in my bed face down, flat on my stomach. It just occurred to me that you can’t actually see what I’m doing since you’re reading this. Well, friend, it’s perhaps because you are privy to important information. This information is so important that I’ve documented it for your sake and the sake of the very small number of people left in this world who matter to me.

I’m going away today.

I know. You must be thinking, “But [insert your randomly generated name for me here], you can’t just go away. What about all the people who care about you? What about me?” First, I appreciate that you care about me so much within two paragraphs of writing. Secondly, I wish it were that simple to explain.

Shoot. Another ad. Why do they put 15-second ads in front of five-second videos? That doesn’t make me want to buy your product. It just makes me viscerally angry. Anyway. The simple explanation would be to say that I’m empty. Should I say that with more panache? I feel like the outer layer of a Russian nesting doll with nothing inside to make it whole. Oh, I like that. I take one step and I feel like I might end up crumbling under the weight of my sense of self. That’s enough.

But plenty of people live like that. Isn’t that what we’re all about now? Shuffling mindlessly through the oxygen that envelops us, inhaling whatever pollutants we’ve sent out there, filled with all our regrets and unkept desires, waiting for our next paycheck? Do we collectively fail at living and do nothing about the world so we always have something to blame or do we just not care? Are we doomed to continue repeating all of our mistakes, never learning because the incentives to do so aren’t there?

No. It’s not that emptiness. Maybe it’s the one where your negative emotions don’t even register anymore. They’re just there perpetually, slowly nibbling away at the thresholds of your reality. Your pillow doesn’t feel soft and your blankets don’t keep you warm anymore. There’s something in your mind all the time. Is it a scream or is it a whisper? What’s it telling you? How close are we to our ends anyway? The world could end tomorrow perhaps.

I don’t have answers to why I’m going away. I was hoping perhaps you could tell me. Maybe you could say something to stop this. Will you? No. You’re not here. You wouldn’t be able to say anything to stop this. Oh well. I guess this is it. So many live this way but I don’t really want to. Don’t feel sad. I certainly don’t. Why should you?

Shoot. There are two more unskippable ads. I'm gonna go make my breakfast now. This report isn't gonna write itself.