Auntie Tartan (for the homies!)
Q. I’ve been seeing this guy for the last month or so, but he’s not willing to say we’re dating yet. How do I move this relationship to the next level?
A. Don’t force him to say anything. Instead, just subtly escalate the relationship. When you’re holding hands, squeeze your wedding vows to him in Morse code. When you’re kissing in the rain, pause and ask if he’s seen “The Notebook.” Ask again. Then ask again. When you bring him back to your room, disguise your parents as science classroom skeletons in the corner.
Q. Hey A.T., my girlfriend’s room skeletons just asked me what I want to do when I graduate. What should I say?
A. Say you’ll love and cherish their little girl forever, that’s what you should say! Also, finance or med school. Skeletons eat that up.
Q. I’m really struggling with binge eating. How do I stop snacking so much, A.T.?
A. What I like to do is pretend my snacks are like little people that care very much about me. The Dorito chip is now your grandma. That fruit snack is now your cousin. You wouldn’t eat your cousin, would you? And if you would, just know that WVU is accepting spring transfers.
Q. My place is a dump. Where do I get the motivation to clean?
A. Ever read "Tom Sawyer"? Invite a bunch of your bros over and convince them scrubbing, sweeping, and stacking are different forms of CrossFit.
Q. I have to clear my mind. Where do you find the time to meditate?
A. I start by making my room look like a Tibetan monastery. I put up mandalas, light candles, and play audio from PRC tanks and military raids gently in the background. Also, have you tried Headspace? Literal lifesaver.