Ask Auntie Tartan (first draft don't publish)
Q: Midterm season is kicking my butt! How do I get an edge?
A: Fake a gnarly head injury. So bad you have to get a neck brace. I’d suggest pretending to slip on black ice, but since winter will soon be a thing of the past, you might have to settle for a trip down the stairs. Make sure your teacher sees you. Once you’ve got the brace on you, write all your notes down on the inside so you can check them during the test. Then take the brace off, read the notes, and memorize them. That way you can sneak the knowledge into the exam room in your head, you lazy so-and-so.
Q: Couldn’t help but notice you said “winter will soon be a thing of the past?” How screwed are we?
A: Not at all! In fact, it’s a blessing. Think about it. Longer summers means longer summer breaks. Rising oceans means more beaches. Warmer weather means we can swim any day in November! So grab some sunscreen and enjoy yourself!
Q: I keep sleeping through my alarm. I wanna wake up early, but I don’t know how!
A: Please phrase that as a question.
Q: You know what I mean!
A: Question, please.
Q: How do I wake up on time?
A: Sorry, what? Nodded off.
Q: I always take forever to finish my assignments, but my friend A.J. just blitzes through them. How can I compete?
A: Anyone whose name is only two letters is likely “2 stoopid” to really know what they’re doing. This “A.J.” sounds like they’re just rushing through their homework to look good. You, you’ve got the right tack. Slow and steady. And on the off chance they actually are smarter than you, just accuse them of witchcraft and wait for divine retribution.
Q: Hi Auntie, I’m a first-year with pretty bad imposter syndrome. Do I really deserve to be at CMU?
A: No. But that’s only because no one “deserves” anything. The clouds don’t “deserve” to hang in the sky. The Earth does not “deserve” to revolve around the Sun. Tabasco sauce does not “deserve” to taste as good as it does. But hang they do. Revolve it does. Tasty it is. Don’t get caught up in earning your right to be here. You’re here. Be here.
Q: You’re so kind to share your wisdom with us! Say, how’d you get so nice?
A: Clean living and writing all these myself. Clearly I don’t get enough validation.