Auntie Tartan (typed in a rush, unreadable)
Q. I want to save money on Ubers, but I keep missing the bus! How do I get around the city cheaply?
A. This question is irrelevant because space as you know it is a construct. I won’t get all Neil De-Ass Tyson on you, but what you have to understand is you’re already where you need to be. If you have to go to Target, just paint a bullseye on your bathroom mirror and BOOM ... you’re in the produce aisle. Need to get to the Manor? Just put your hand in front of a lamp and pretend like your little piggies are Daniel Craig and Rami Malek.
Q. I’m feeling really overwhelmed, mainly because I let my assignments pile up. How do I keep from procrastinating so much?
A. A common problem, to be sure. Why do something hard now when you can do something easy? Why do something easy now when you could do nothing at all? Why even ask yourself these tough questions? Why even write an advice column trying to tackle them?
Q. Late night studying is a must, but coffee makes me jittery. How do you stay up late to get your grind on?
A. First things first, don’t say “get your grind on.” It’s not 2005 anymore. But to answer your question, I would look no further than the polygraph test. One way people have found to fool the ol’ lie detector is to stick a thumbtack in their shoe, raising their overall stress level and throwing off the readings. So there. Put something sharp in your shoe and lie to yourself, mainly about the fact that everything will be fine and you’ll finish your assignment in time.
Q. Whenever I’m at Schenley Park, I see people laying out, basking in the fall air. How do I learn to relax and be in the moment like those guys?
A. You could start with a hammock, but something tells me you’ve thought of that already. No, you need something heavy-duty. If you really want to find your zen in the out-of-doors, I strongly recommend a practice known as “loaming.” This is where you dig a hole about a third of your height and hop inside. You fill the hole again as compactly as you can and stay as still as possible. Eventually, you will become one with the Earth, or at least so bored that you’ll forget to worry about whether you’re “chill enough.”