Pillbox

Listicle: 7 little known places on campus

Hello, I’m Zachary Gelman, and these are the top seven little known places on campus.

Starting off our list at number seven, we have the Gates-Hillman fourth-floor soundproof study-coffin. It may seem unassuming, but you might walk by this black box banality on your way to a delicious meal at Hunan Express, the number one Chinese food place on campus. Open 10:30 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Monday through Saturday, and closed from 12 a.m. to 12 a.m. on Sunday, Hunan offers Carnegie Mellon's authentic Asian cuisine concept, featuring an open kitchen environment, customizable rice bowls, and bubble tea. Their menu is lovingly confected to produce the four basic tastes, as well as the mythical fifth one, known to food heads as “umami.” You can call Hunan Express at 412-268-5327 for more information or just take the trek down to GPS coordinates 40°26'36.6"N 79°56'43.9"W yourself.

Here at number six, this hidden locale is located behind Entropy, our own private supermarket. While most students will just be going there to pick up cans of coffee and various types of pre-frozen pizzas, there is actually an incredible treasure trove of food just behind the freezers waiting to be taken by Scotty scavengers in need. When your Dinex runs out, don’t forget to put on your Tartan ski mask and take a trip down the other side of the law. Who knows, maybe you’ll even get the apple juice before it gets taken!

Number five on this list goes to the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh, located basically on campus. I’m just saying, if the Mellon Institute counts as being on campus, this might as well too. This library is known for being the “cool version of Hunt Library.” Of course, Hunt works fine when you need to pretend to study, or play a game of hide and seek, but if you want a real book, you gotta head down over to the CLP (as all in the know call it) and grab a copy of anything you’d like (as long as it has no cultural relevance, no copies of “Dune” or anything like that for you posers.)

Number four, what could it be but the top of the Miller ICA, upon where our beloved Scottish Terrier was projected every night during O-Week. He tragically failed his first interpretive dance assignment and got turned into glue, but the spirit of that charming mutt lives on in the hearts of all the drama kids that perform “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” up there every Thursday, weather permitting.

For number three, we have the CMU package pickup center. This unpopular area down in the lower level of the CUC sees few students, but after the release of this article, I expect many more will appear. Did you know that packages for students are kept there? Many students never find out, and graduate wondering what kind of donkey would steal all their mail. But fear not! Just go down to the CUC, and wait in a line of a length that I have been assured by reputable sources I may not reveal. Once you get there, don’t forget your photo ID! And don’t worry that there won’t be anyone else there, I mail myself five empty boxes a week to keep the workers on their toes. Once they get used to every package labeled 2824 being comically large and light, maybe I’ll finally order that box filled with novelty bricks I’ve been itching for.

Number two goes to the Jared Cohon Lockup Center, or JCLC for short. Nicknamed the “Amnesty Barn,” students that get called Amnesty upon themselves are quarantined here for their own safety, and then sent to a nice farm upstate where they can be with their childhood pets forever, while a nearly perfect doppelgänger replaces them. Most people won’t notice the difference between the duplicitous duplicate and the innocent original, but the best of friends will notice that their partner in crime no longer drinks boba vodka with the same gusto.

At number one, we have the wifi cellar. Located at all times at the farthest point from you, here our precious STEMlords get community service hours responding to copyright infringement notices from ISPs and coaxing precious internet juice out of the well-worn modem. Did you know that the first wifi router was created in CMU? Our technological wunderkinds love to let loose by using that historical router sometimes instead. Of course, they don’t announce it beforehand, so never put your term papers to the last second.

Thank you for reading my listicle! If you have any suggestions for places that I missed, don’t forget to pop me a message over at provost@centralmichiganuniversity.edu.