The Tartan fantasy football league is still alive and well
Seven weeks into the Tartan Fantasy Football League, I was under the impression that I was finally getting the hang of the entire thing. I had a self-inflicted horrible week one, as at that point I was still wrapping my head around the complex minutiae of my first fantasy sports league. Imagine my surprise at learning that you’ve got to open an app and manually set your team! After a brief sit down with the Tartan’s Layout Manager and resident Expert-On-All-Things Zeke Rosenberg, I thought that I understood the basics of this fascinating form of competition.
For seven long, grueling weeks, I fought hard for my position in the league, religiously putting in a couple of minutes every Friday morning drafting players, and moving them on and off my bench. This strategy worked well enough, with the Distressed Donkeys usually placing around the middle of the league, and occasionally setting fire to everything around them and finishing 40 odd points above anyone else.
Last week, disaster struck as I forgot to set my lineup Friday morning after a Thursday night out on the town. The Donkeys finished with 43 points, about a third of the previous week. I was a combination of shocked and horrified. After doing this for seven whole weeks, how did I make such a rookie mistake? I trembled to consider how my league-mates must be laughing at me. It is thus with a humble heart and head bowed, I accept abject defeat in week eight of the Tartan Fantasy Football League. To further acknowledge this moment, I am renaming my team to the Loquacious Losers. Without further ado, here’s the recap:
Dreamland Warriors over Loquacious Losers 87–42
The freshly rechristened Losers earned their name with style in a humiliating 45 point loss to Assistant Sports Editor Ian Tanaya Dreamland Warriors this week. Alshon Jeffrey of the Chicago Bears, put up something of a fight for the Losers, bringing home 16 of the team's 42 points. That said, the Losers were no match for the Warriors in any other respect. Quarterback Drew Brees, running back Jacquizz Rodgers, wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald, and running back Latavius Murray were a quartet to be reckoned with, bringing in 61 points together. The Losers, still licking their wounds, will be eagerly awaiting their next encounter to give back in kind to the Warriors.
Mr. Rodgers's Neighborhood over DeMarco DePolo 135–104
This was one of the closer matchups of the season, and probably the closest matchup of the week. Operations Manager Jade Crockem's team Mr. Rodgers's Neighborhood prevailed over Layout Manager Zeke Rosenberg's DeMarco DePolo after a long and hard match that could have gone either way. Both quarterbacks played really well, with Crockem's Aaron Rodgers edging out Rosenberg's Matthew Ryan 33 to 23. Far from throwing in the towel, DeMarco DePolo put on a valiant showing of their own right. Right back DeMarco Murray, wide receiver Jordy Nelson, and running back Melvin Gordon put up a spirited 19 points each, and you'd think this would have been enough to put DeMarco DePolo in a very good position. Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood was preternaturally consistent though, with nobody on the lineup making less than nine points.
What is going on? over extremely dank team 118–65
Forum Editor Sinead Foley's beautifully named What is going on? continued its hot streak for another straight week. Sports Editor Alex Wood's extremely dank team got a thrashing comparable to the Loquacious Losers at the hands of Foley's hilariously, deceptively, unassumingly named team. Foley's quarterback Blake Bortles was on fire, bringing in 29 points all by himself. Nipping at his heels was Foley's running back Jonathan Stewart with 22 points, who in turn was closely followed by fellow running back David Johnson with 17 points. Against such a strong showing, Wood's extremely dank team didn't stand a chance. Wood's Placekicker Stephen Gostkowski brought in the most points with a thoroughly average 13 points.
Masshole Knickerbockers over Pladie Daddies 141–107
Online Editor India Price's Pladie Daddies put up a respectable 107; that is until one takes a look at the competition. Former Personnel Manager Lula Beresford's Masshhole Knickerbockers scored a mind-numbing 141 points. The Knickerbockers' quarterback, and the one player I knew about before I joined this league, Tom Brady, scored a very impressive 29 points. However even this was overshadowed by Knickerbockers's wide receiver Amari Cooper bringing in a stupendous 35 points all by himself. Much to Price's chagrin, her humiliation would still not be complete. The Knickerockers's tight end Tyler Eifert brought in 25 points of his own to round out the showing. The Plaidie Daddies played a decent game on a day that they would have had to be the best they've ever been to have a shot at competing.
McManus's Anus over How does this work? 126–109
Publisher Sarah Gutekunst's team McManus's Anus played a good game to beat Forum Editor Sinead Foley's second team How does this work? 126 to 109. Gutekunst's running back Matt Forte put up a very respectable 23 points. Her tight end Rob Gronkowski scored an impressive 21 points as well. Foley's team played well too, with running back Devonte Freeman and wide receiver Stephon Diggs running up 21 points each.
That concludes our roundup for week eight. Onward to week nine!