Advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

My boyfriend has started sleeping over more often, which is great. What’s not so great, though, is that I don’t think it’s because we’re becoming closer. We’ve been fighting more about the littlest things, and he’s started having dinner with his friends most of the time instead of me.

I think it’s because of the walrus. My mom gave me this huge stuffed animal walrus when I left for college, and a few weeks ago I took it out of my storage bin and put it next to my desk facing the window, so that it could survey the outdoors.

My boyfriend’s taken to bringing it to bed with us, then nestling up close to it. Every time I try to get close so we can snuggle, he just snores loudly (I know he’s faking) and grinds up against Edgar, the walrus.

I’m afraid that I’m losing my boyfriend to my giant stuffed walrus. What do I do to win him back?

Heartbreakingly,
Old Days Of Bonding Escape my Newest Understanding, Seems he’d Rather Ordinarily Sport with My Animal, Really Upsetting my Soul

Dear ODOBENUS ROSMARUS,

How lifelike is this walrus? If Edgar is a cute, plushie-fied version of the actual beast, then you lost the war the minute you took the walrus out of the box. Not even Olivia Wilde could compete with a cute version of a giant sack of blubber and flesh. If it’s pretty lifelike, however, you have some options.

The simplest answer would have you hide or trash the walrus, but I’d imagine that’s equivalent to making a heroin addict go cold turkey: You’d be sure to suffer some major consequences somehow. You’d have to hide all your other stuffed animals, too, so that he doesn’t find a substitute — or tear them to shreds.

Probably the best option is to break your bank account and go to couple’s counseling — and bring Edgar with you.

If their relationship has gotten to the point where they’re taking moonlit walks through the park together, then you’ve got no chance. Might as well find yourself a nice plushie sloth.

Or a psychotherapist,
Evan Kahn