advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

I’ve been chatting with a guy I matched with on Tinder for the past couple of weeks, and it becomes clearer with every real conversation that I can’t stand him — but I can’t get up the nerve to unmatch and block him. Then he asked me out on a dinner date, and out of stupidity, I said yes — I haven’t been on a date in over a year, and this has been my only chance. However, I want to make sure this is the last date we’ll ever have, too. What should I do?

Regrettably yours,
Without an Inch of Mettle, Pluck

Dear WIMP,

You need to make the date the oddest, or the most horrifying, experience of this guy’s life. You obviously don’t have to do both of these, but here are some fine suggestions on how to make this an awful date:

Wear bright colors — red on orange on yellow is preferable.

As soon as you sit down at your table: “Oh, god, did I just sit on something? Did you hear that squeak?” When he says no, look relieved and say, “Great. Do you know where the bathroom is? I’ve been holding in this huge dump.”

When you get back, interrupt his attempt at normal conversation with, “I like to tell this to people on the first date, just in case we move in together or get married: I have a history of constantly changing paraphilias, kicking in my sleep, and chronic explosive diarrhea. So I wouldn’t go use the bathroom while we’re here.”

Ask the waiter (call him garçon) if you can order a plate of uncooked bean sprouts. If he says no, insult him (if you have the guts) and order a meat-only dish.

If your date is still there when it’s time for the check, say you have to use the bathroom again — but just leave the restaurant. Make sure you drove yourself there.

If you find the experience of ruining this date immensely rewarding, I suggest you follow fuckyeahconnietinders.tumblr.com, where Tartan alumna Connie Chan “approaches 99 percent of matches with the intent of trolling.”

Or just get off Tinder and meet people the old-fashioned way,
Evan Kahn