advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

I’m having trouble keeping up with the number of acronyms this school keeps giving everything, and with the new buildings and names and majors and whatnot, I don’t think I’m going to know what anything is anymore. I think I’m in the UC, but is it really the UC?

Please advise,
Adverse Reaction to Multitudinous Yet Oddly Fetching Nicknames, Amnesia Manifests Every Say What?


I doubt you’re actually sitting inside the body of Jared L. Cohon, and everyone’s going to keep calling it the UC, anyway. There are too many acronyms and colloquial names for places on campus.

I doubt anyone else remembers all of this school’s acronyms, either, since they change more often than Nicki Minaj’s hair.

So instead, make some up in everyday conversation. “Where are you headed?” “The SWID.” “Oh. Where’s that?” “How the heck could you not know where the SWID is?”

TL;DR; no one cares about this school’s acronyms, so don’t waste your time unless you want to screw with someone.

Except when they’re useful,
Evan Kahn

Dear Evan,

I’m living in Hamerschlag, and the people here are nuts. In the rooms to my right, every day is Thirsty Thursday. Down the hall to my left, it’s a never-ending League of Legends tournament, where everyone screams at each other from across the hall. My roommate jacks off at least three times a night. Where can I find some peace and quiet? And why is everyone bonkers?

Normal, Ordinary Fellow, Upset with Noise

Dear NO FUN,

It’s not just you — Schlag has enough testosterone floating around to make one whole Clint Eastwood, and not many people can withstand that terrifying glory.

Really, though, the place is disgusting. I’d say go to Hunt, but the renovations have made it more of an embarrassment than it already was. The RAs actually do their jobs in Stever, so you should plan to have sleepovers there as much as you can.

Or just wait it out (it’s only for a year),
Evan Kahn