Advice for awkward people

Dear Ryan & Matt,

I’m noticing more and more small, happy-looking people around campus, and they’re really annoying. They’re traveling in groups and holding up the lines at Entropy+ and Resnik, and just look like a bunch of lost, ignorant sheep. What are these things and what’s the best way of dealing with them?

Sincerely,
People-like Entities Strolling Through Passively, Rather Outrageously Blithe, Likely Enemies of Mine

Dear PEST PROBLEM,

These “things” as you put it are, in fact, people. You probably looked like one not too long ago yourself. These people are colloquially referred to as “freshmen” — or, to be more politically correct, “freshpersons.” Even though they’ve been here over a month, some of them will cling to their carefree, blissfully unaware state they assume upon entering university.

The only cure is time. They will slowly lose their happy-go-lucky attitudes — which is kinda sad, but it’s the natural order of things. The best thing you can do in the meantime is help them along and teach them the secret arts of surviving at Carnegie Mellon. Just don’t be surprised when there’s a whole new crop of “things” next fall.

It’s the circle of life,
Matt & Ryan

Dear Ryan & Matt,

I’m getting tired of bridges in this city. Don’t get me wrong; I love Carnegie Mellon, but I just need a change of venue, maybe just for a semester.

Sincerely,
Take Relaxing Adventures Via Exploiting Laudable Educational Reasons

Dear TRAVELER,

Have you considered studying abroad in Venice? I hear there are fewer bridges there. Southern France is supposedly nice this time of year and doesn’t suffer from Pittsburgh’s schizophrenic weather.

I gathered information from the study abroad folk early in my Carnegie Mellon career, and I’m still getting spam from some of the programs, but in all it’s an exciting process to go through. A number of our friends have had great times in other countries.

On the other hand, only six-and-a-half months ’til Carnival!
Matt & Ryan