Everything you need to know

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I recently visited a genetics laboratory and got bitten by a spider there. The next day when I woke up I didn’t need my glasses anymore and I was totally buff. I now shoot sticky goo out of my hands and I can climb up walls. What should I do with my newfound powers?

P. Parker

Dear Peter,

Rent Spiderman. Right now. Watch it, learn from it, live it. Take some courses on costume design so that your costume looks legitimate. Swing around Pittsburgh fighting crime. Eventually, super-villains will show up and try to fight you. You’ll have a lot of close calls, but you’ll wind up winning. I suppose you could use your powers for your own gain, like becoming a professional wrestler to buy a car to impress a girl or something, but that’s not right. With great power comes great responsibility.

Or you’re hallucinating. Who knows what kind of spider that was? You might just be really tripping right now. You should probably see a doctor. They’re bound by patient-doctor confidentiality, so you don’t have to worry about your secret being revealed. But make sure he’s not one-armed and doing research involving lizards and limb regeneration. That won’t end well.

Stay away from blondes,
Patrick Hoskins

Dear Hoskins Brothers,

I’ve been reading a lot of comic books lately, and I think it’s altering my perception of reality. Whenever I walk down the street, I see “Bang” and “Ker-Pow” popping up whenever there’s a real noise. The other day, I swore I saw someone in a red costume swinging through the air. Am I crazy? What should I do?

Comic Book Guy

Dear Guy,

You and our first advice-seeker should hang out. You can stand around and say “Look, up in the sky — it’s the Human Spider” (if he called himself Spider-Man, there would be copyright issues involved). Or, you can help him take out a super-villain because “Pittsburghers look out for each other.” You can watch his fights and see all the cool sound effects.

That, or you’re hallucinating. Unless you’re living in a heavily stylized movie like Scott Pilgrim, you really shouldn’t be seeing “Bang” and “Ker-Pow” everywhere. You should probably see an ophthalmologist. Just keep in mind that if you are in a comic book, you’re an innocent bystander. Don’t try to be like those guys in The Dark Knight who dress up as Batman and try to fight crime. No one likes those guys.

See a doctor,
Brian Hoskins