Everything you need to know

Dear Joe,

I was recently dumped over the way I dress. My (former) girlfriend has over 100 dresses and more shoes than I can count. I, on the other hand, have a few unwashed shirts and a four-year-old pair of shoes. Does it really matter what I wear? I thought personality was all on the inside.

—Dressed Down in Donner

Dear Dressed,

I can’t stand fashion. It makes absolutely no sense to me, and I always seem to look like the “before” picture even if I take time to look nice. I’m sorry that your style caused the downfall of your relationship. Maybe it was never meant to happen.

But while it may seem vain, Dressed, it’s a fact of life that we are judged heavily by the way we dress. Honestly, can you imagine a man in a Hawaiian shirt not being relaxed? Or a person with a thousand political buttons on her backpack being reserved? Clothes are really the first thing people can judge us on. That means you might want to run your wardrobe through the washer if you want to find another girl.

You might even want to get some new clothes. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to spend thousands on designer shoes. Just a few decent shirts and a respectable pair of jeans should do the trick. Remember, you’re at Carnegie Mellon, which means if you’re not dressed like a character from Lord of the Rings, you have a huge advantage over the field.

But let’s face the facts, Dressed. I don’t know a thing about dressing properly. What I do know, however, is this: women don’t like slobs. This pits some of us against huge odds for getting a date. Try and stay clean, Dressed, and you might find your romantic life just a little bit more fruitful.

A personality helps too,


Dear Joe,

I think I might have taken April Fools’ too far. Thinking it would just be for fun, I pulled a hotfoot on one of my friends. Unfortunately, his pants caught on fire and now he even has some burn scars from the joke. How do I make up for this?

—Fired in Frick

Dear Fired,

The hotfoot is a great joke when seen in a movie or read in a book, but not many other places. For those who don’t know, the hotfoot is when you place a blue-tipped match in the sole of someone’s shoe. Thus, when they walk, they light the match, and supposed hilarity ensues. Unfortunately, sometimes a small flame turns into a big fiasco.

For you, Fired, it’s going to take a long time to make up for this one. You’re obviously a prankster, but if you want to build your reputation back up, I wouldn’t pull anything like you did for a long time. That means putting away your whoopee cushions, handshake buzzers, and squirt-gun flowers. Even after you’ve changed your ways, your friendship will still never be the same again. I mean, you burned his leg for crying out loud.

May this be a lesson for all of you this April Fools’ season. Pranks are a great way to spread cheer and reduce the serious tone that so many people at Carnegie Mellon are afflicted with. Just be sure to keep away from pranks that can burn, shame, or maim the victims. Remember, it’s April Fools’, not April Cruels.

Your shoe’s untied,