Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 ? April 19): You need a break. The combination of the stars? alignment in your sign and the moon staying in your house will bring big trouble for your stress levels in early to mid-May. Mark my words.

Taurus (April 20 ? May 20): The reason you?re feeling so lost lately is because you haven?t signed up to receive my on-the-phone readings daily. Yes, you may have to borrow some money to afford it, but it will be worth it. Just call 1-900-729-6333 (1-900-PAY-MEEE).

Gemini (May 21 ? June 21): One of several situations is going to happen to you real soon, so be prepared: a) Someone from home (someone very close to you) is going to call and ask to visit you. Be careful how you respond. b) You?re going to be assigned a very important project and need to pick a partner. Whatever you do, don?t pick the person you had last time who ruined everything! c) You?re going to be bored, and you?ll keep playing video games.

Cancer (June 22 ? July 22): You need to travel, and as soon as possible, or you might lose your mind. Go walk around New Zealand and see the sights, or somewhere like Mauritania or Yemen. Sound good?

Leo (July 23 ? August 22): Oh dear. Something very private that you?ve been trying to keep under wraps will come to the surface. It may be embarrassing, but relax. The universe is vast and wonderful, so what?s a little embarrassment about what you do in your free time with tangerine Speedos? Just flow with it, man.

Virgo (August 23 ? September 22): You?ve never been famous for your discretion, willpower, or frugality.... So... find something to be famous for, okay?

Libra (September 23 ? October 23): Your roommate is going through a hard time right now. Don?t try to comfort him; just stay out of your room for the next few weeks.

Scorpio (October 24 ? November 21): That place that you always go to with the guy and the stuff? You know, your happy place? Well, next time you go, watch out for a dog with three legs and an eye patch. If you don?t see one, consider yourself really lucky.

Sagittarius (November 22 ? December 21): It?s not that you don?t have a sense of humor, it?s that your jokes are just not very funny, which is why you?re the only one laughing sometimes. It?s okay. Just either stop telling them, or sign up for a class. Please.

Capricorn (December 22 ? January 19): I know your mom told you to imagine people in their underwear when you are intimidated, but I think imagining them working under you within the next few years will work better.

Aquarius (January 20 ? February 18): Stop hanging up the phone as soon as you hear it dialing her number. Ask her out; you?ve waited and deliberated long enough! What?s the worst that could happen? Nothing is worse than calling and hanging up that often. Good luck.

Pisces (February 19 ? March 20): If you?re looking for an adventure, play hooky. Maybe someone will make a great movie about it someday. Make sure to do really crazy things and almost get caught like five times; otherwise the movie will be boring.