CNN: You are not the "Celebrity News Network"

Recently, America has seen an outbreak of pregnant celebrities. Perhaps you didn't realize America has been flooded with beautiful bundles of joy. Perhaps you live under a rock.

Celebrities aren't just having babies, either. They're getting married. They're getting divorced. According to some of the top news sources, some of them even breathe on their own. They're that important.

If you're jealous because The Tartan is privy to this classified information, don't be ? stop and look at any accredited news source and see for yourself. Media companies, especially those online, treat celebrity information as though it were life-altering news. Celebrity families used to be off the radar and off-limits to the rest of society. But today, the American media has become paparazzi of prose, writing about anything celebrities do that might be deemed newsworthy. News flash: it's not.

Jennifer Garner's baby might as well be named Mark Felt, because when she inadvertently revealed the sex of her expected child on The Tonight Show, the media acted as if the revelation were Deep Throat himself.

When Britney Spears delivered her first baby a few weeks ago, the media treated it as though two Middle Eastern countries signed a historic peace treaty named "Sean Preston."

Finally, amid its top headlines last Saturday, including "U.S. launches Operation Iron Fist in Iraq," read "Report: Paris Hilton breaks off engagement." It's a good thing CNN had the foresight to report the marriage status of a woman whose most notable accomplishment is starring in a homemade sex tape.

It would be one thing if breaking celebrity news were restricted to tabloids that focus on entertainment, but the aforementioned stories were all Associated Press stories included on the websites of such top news sources as CNN and MSNBC. Is there not enough news in America and around the world to report on that the Associated Press has to assign trained journalists to cover the private lives of celebrities?

Perhaps it's especially poignant that California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger (a celebrity himself) just signed an anti-paparazzi bill into law that puts harsher restrictions on those camera jockeys who are always sticking their flashes in celebrity faces for People, Star, and the like. We live in a country where laws like this are needed. How sad is that?

Meanwhile, in a public statement released over the weekend, the Associated Press revealed it will be breaking off its commitment to reporting important news. It hopes people will respect its privacy during this emotional time.

Editorial Dissent

Celebrity self-promotion is annoying. It is a cancer on society that has only been fueled by the rise of reality television. However, what about the celebrities that have no choice but to be in the spotlight?

A prime example is the recent wedding of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Demi and "the Kutch" had a small private ceremony to celebrate their relationship and found it blown up in the media. Even with this, the two are positive role models that Americans can be proud of, unlike media whores Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.

So go ahead, rail on the celebrities that put themselves in the spotlight and force their ways into our everyday lives. Just don't hate the Kutch. He's doing his best to keep it low-key.