Foul Play: No drafting for old men

"I can’t wait to learn from Stetson Bennett. He’ll be like an older father figure to me!"
—Matthew Stafford, on learning who the Rams drafted.

Sixty years ago, the United States held a draft to decide which young men would go off to war in Vietnam to protect some vague interests nobody really understood. The draft was a time honored tradition, and soon, as our country evolved, the draft too evolved. The NFL draft is a piece of history, directly drawn from those ancient drafts. Playing for the Panthers will be Bryce Young’s personal Vietnam.

But besides that, what the ever-loving fuck happened in the 2023 NFL Draft? Well, firstly, my team did really really well, and your team did really really badly. I don’t care what your team is, your picks were dogshit and we got all of our guys.

Beyond that simple fact, a lot of things happened in the draft. Some teams drafted really well. Some teams forgot there was a draft and just hoped everyone had fun. Lives were changed, alcohol was drunk, and plenty of NFL players are about to get their first nicknames.

Besides that, there were a lot of young men ripped away from their dreams of being insurance salesmen or running car dealerships in the draft this year. Hendon “Bangin’ a” Hooker was drafted by the Detroit Lions, in what might be the first time Detroit has a competent backup at the quarterback position in years.

The Texas Texans picked #2 overall, grabbing CJ Stroud, a player out of noted community college, Ohio State University. He’ll fit right into their current lack of a team, and the Texans have made several statements promising to figure out the game of football sometime “before 2030.” At #3, the Arizona Cardinals traded down to get #12 and change, giving the Texans the shot to grab Will Anderson Jr., one of the best prospects of the year. The Cards then traded back up to six to get David Goddamn Putney and Paris (Texas) Johnson. At #4, the Colts decided to embrace their gambling addict nature and rolled the dice on yet another quarterback, picking Anthony Richards. He might be a great player, on the other hand, his nickname is going to be AR15 and there’s no way that ends well. The rest of the draft was actually pretty boring, except for the Eagles picking up basically the entire 2022 Georgia defense to beef up what had already been the best secondary in the league. With famous driving instructor Jalen Carter, and then trading for D’Andre Swift, the Eagles have decided that they’re going to represent Atlanta too. The Falcons have been asked to relegate themselves to the Canadian Football League.

The Falcons also decided to keep partying like it's 1993 and swept up Bijan Robinson at pick number 8, ignoring that the triple option really only works if you have three options. The dirty birds also forgot to work on their secondary, again, in what I can only imagine is trauma from 28-3. When asked what they were looking for in free agency, Falcon’s GM Terry Fontenot asked if there were any fullbacks still available, and started making calls to see if Michael Vick could still run.

The Detroit Lions, continuing the proud legacy of Detroit teams by not doing anything normal, picked a running back at pick 12, an interior linebacker with pick 18, and then a Tight End and a Defensive Back in the second round. Did they draft well? Iunno, watch the fuckers and see. The Steelers did really well this draft, filling out needs and maybe turning Kenny Pickett into the next Big Ben, with more women respecting and fewer women… ahem “respecting.” The New England Patriots temporarily forgot which football they were playing and picked two, yes two kicking positions this year. Bill Belichick isn’t called a football genius for nothing, and I think the team is in a strong position to pick up Messi and Beckham before the trade deadline.

The Giants drafted pretty well this year, after locking in Danny Dimes and Saquon Barkeley, putting together an excellent draft class to fill out what was a surprisingly promising roster last year. If Daddy Daboll can turn a bunch of practice squad players into a playoff team, imagine what’ll happen with a rookie team instead!

Beyond that, there really wasn’t much to speak of this year. Perennial playoff contenders, like the Bills, Ravens, Bengals, and Chiefs put together the pieces they needed to fill any retirements or depth positions. Shitty teams, like the Cowboys and Packers, still forgot how to draft for development, and they’re both putting their hopes in their current squad to take them to the big game. God help us all if Jordan Love is him. And God can’t help us if the Cowboys are actually good this year.

Who am I kidding, never gonna happen.

Aaron Rodgers' newest team, the New York Jethro Tulls did an incredible job of not getting their aging star any of the players he needs. They have an amazing core of defensive players, as well as a few offensive ones, but busting on Zach Wilson and Mark White was not good for the team as a whole. Luckily, the Jets were trying to make Rodgers feel right at home by having him make passes to backups.

After failing consistently to make the third round running back work San Francisco decided “fuck it” and picked a kicker instead. An incredible decision by a team that drafted nothing but quarterbacks otherwise, just in case they’re all injured by the time the playoffs roll around.

Meanwhile, Mayo Monster William Levis was informed that his creamy white wasn’t giving a good impression, and fell to the second round. It’s a humbling blow for a player who people widely mocked. He was predicted to go somewhere in the first round.

Finally, a message from the Editor. I don’t know how many of you read the sports section. It’s a couple of us being goofy, and I hope you’ve enjoyed what you’ve read. The semester has drawn to a close, and the next time you’ll see us, it’ll be August, and honestly, none of us know what things will be like then. I hope, to all of you who see this, that you have an excellent summer. Don’t forget to keep calm, carry on, and hope the Eagles lose.