What keeps me up at night: A definitive Poxvirus ranking

Hello viewers, and welcome to WatchMojo. Today, we’re counting down our top five poxviruses. From camelpox to variola minor, all of these poxes will leave spots on your heart.

  1. Orthopoxvirus Cowpox virus
    Cowpox is a certified hood classic, and the OG vaccine. Milk maids may not have been huge cowpox appreciators back in the day, but they likely would’ve liked smallpox even worse. This one also got a little saucy recently by cosplaying as a vial of smallpox and rolling about the CDC. Oh, cowpox, you prankster you!

  2. Orthopoxvirus Monkeypox virus - Mpox
    This one has been really popular in recent history. The cool kid of the group, monkeypox has recently gone from nerdy loser to big time star, and even got a cool nickname to match its newfound popularity. Plus, it spreads through ~intimate contact~. How romantic.

  3. Orthopoxvirus Vaccinia virus
    Vaccinia, my most dearly beloved. Despite your fading into obscurity, I still yearn for you. Our love is a forbidden one — you’re the one that I want, but can never have. If only you didn’t present the risk of a horrifying case of EV, we could be together forever. Alas, you’ll always be the one that got away.

  4. Entomopoxvirinae
    Ok, this one is technically a whole subfamily of poxviruses, but it’s weird and wacky because it infects bugs! Isn’t that silly? Haha, caterpillarpox :) Mothpox! LOL!

Honorable Mentions:
Chickenpox: Funnily enough, this one actually isn’t a poxvirus, as well known as it is.
Largepox: “Smallpox? What about Largepox?” Oh my god, you’re so funny! Yeah, I’ve never heard that one before, that’s so original! How did you come up with that? You’re hilarious!
Molluscipoxvirus Molluscum contagiosum virus: This one is weird because it’s pretty exclusive to humans, but mollusks are like… snails and stuff. But no one will tell me why it’s named after snails. Why is the CDC keeping these secrets? I want answers!

  1. Orthopoxvirus Variola virus We all knew this was coming. Smallpox is like, THE poxvirus. It really can do it all! From the super lowkey variola minor to the absolute major shitshow that is the hemorrhagic-presenting variola major, from its historical use as a bioweapon to its eradication back to its potential future use as a bioweapon, variola has a rich history, a huge personality, and an astounding ability to kill monkeys, despite being a human poxvirus! It also loves to just pop up in random places for sillies, such as a random lab in Pennsylvania, an NIH lab in Maryland, and also my nightmares.