Hey sexy lady? Hollywood set to replace 'men' with Pedro Pascal

Pedro Pascal. Man, myth, great name for your turtle. He is your daddy when you need him to be. Your father when your friends are eaten by fungi. A fun guy all around. I mean, what can’t this guy do?

This is the question Hollywood asked itself every day, until they saw the TikTok girlies. Thirsting over this man, throats like a desert. Screaming his name as loud as they needed to, sugar. Then, they knew what had to be done. Like DiCaprio, except it’s cool if he dates me, 19. Hollywood realized this, accepting that they could not survive without, possibly, the one good man left: Pedro Pascal.

Why is he so perfect? Well for one, he’s unbearably sexy. I mean, the way he rocks that Beskar? Makes you want to put the pedal to the metal, know what I’m sayin sayin'? Not to mention the way he walks? Sheeeeesh. One leg after the other. Breathes with two lungs. Who else is doing that in Hollywood?

The icing on the cake: He cares. About you. He watches the TikToks, he said it himself. He knows how important he is to the sexual and romantic imaginations of girls, gays, and theys alike. He even makes straight men question their own sexuality. His bromance with Nick Cage? Come on. Who doesn’t want to watch "Paddington 2" with this guy?

He also, like, had a daughter in "The Last of Us." So he’s actually a daddy. Yeah, she’s not really his daughter, but daddy’s a state of mind, know what I’m sayin'? The way he rocked that gun? Cocked, locked, and loaded. And he laughs at puns — dad jokes? He’s in.

Then there’s the cowboy aesthetic. We’ve all seen the video. He looks far too fine in that hat. And the whip? Come on. He’s got a six pack of cold ones on ice and his roomie’s out all night. There’s no mar-telling what’ll happen next.

Hollywood is set to replace several male leads in upcoming movies with Pedro Pascal. One such film is "Fast X," where the notorious Dom Toretto will be played by the main man Pedro. You know he’s all about family. He is also slated to take up the role of John Wick, in the fourth installment of the series. That cold killer instinct from "The Last of Us?" Gets the people going. Moreover, he is rumored to play Harold of "Harold and the Purple Crayon." I mean, have you seen that man in purple? Enough said. Marvel even issued a statement saying they would be "open to recasting Thanos, perhaps in phase seven." Plans are already in the works to replace Paul Rudd’s face with Pedro’s, in the recent "Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania," in order to boost viewership and ratings.

Oberyn the music side of things, "Daisy Jones & The Six" have requested that Pedro Pascal join them on tour, in order to lessen the average toxicity on stage. Billy Dunne could probably use some daddy tips. Again, it’s a state of mind.

Pedro has even rocked the math world. Many have begun coining a new sex position, “pascal’s triangle,” (we’ll spare you the details) far eclipsing the French mathematician’s creation.

He’s been under a lot of pressure to maintain this level of influence. After all, superiority over all other men is no easy task. But Hollywood believes Pedro’s up for the job. And we all know that Hollywood has the best opinions. I mean, wasn’t Jamie Lee Curtis great in that one movie?