This is a real-ass PSA for you food-ordering idiots

This is a real-ass PSA for all of you goddamn food-ordering midwits. Don’t think I don’t see you, you slobbering freshmen, cursed to overpay for housing on campus while Pittsburgh rent is so cheap. Or you wretched, friendless upperclassmen. Nobody wanted to actually live with you, so you had to slink back to Morewood Gardens, or Resnik, or so on, or so forth, cursed with roommates you hate, and RAs that treat you like babies.

I know you all think of yourselves as soooo phisticated. There are wonderful workers at the various Chartwells establishments (Nicole, Steven, etc…) that want nothing more than to feed your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. And you horrific dorm denizens scorn our oh-so-essential food service workers, instead opting to focus your patronage on a sector of work much less essential, food delivery. Because you love the new serfdom, don’t you? You Uber back and forth, ride your shitty little subscription-based scooters, and you Doordash. Evil that you are, you Doordash. Or maybe you Seamless, Grubhub, MunchPod, Trapeater, Uber Eats, or any other company fascistically turned into a verb. Because in America even words become slaves to the ever-expanding omega-companies, much as the serf gig-workers become YOUR temporary slaves every time you order from some quaint local restaurant (or Dominos) and pay $18.43 (+ tip) for the privilege of not having to step outside.

When you order your silly little food, and put it down in your silly little dorm, you doom your deliveryman to an eternity of wandering around Morewood Gardens, because nobody knows where you are, how near or how far you are from where your food-guzzling app placed a hypothetical address. My evening ritual of walking loops around campus is constantly interrupted by well-intentioned portion providers desperate to find a location provided by the dumbest college students this side of the Mississippi River. Normal people do not find it difficult to provide or follow simple instructions. How privileged, lazy, stupid, loafing, slothful, and indolent can you be to not even bother showing up in person to take the food from the underpaid, overworked prole that bothered to bring you your refried dim sum?!

I have been too kind for too long. From now on, whenever you are walking around campus, understand that I will be watching you. I will call you silly names. I will kick your food. I will be casting negative spells directly at you. For your own sake, you better not be caught lacking.