Hey sexy lady? Hollywood set to replace 'men' with Pedro Pascal
Pedro Pascal. Man, myth, great name for your turtle. He is your daddy when you need him to be. Your father when your friends are eaten by fungi. A fun...
The contrarians guide to the chicken and egg
This question has baffled smart and dumb thinkers alike since Plutarch. Before anything else, I must make one point clear. If you claim that the egg came...
This is a real-ass PSA for you food-ordering idiots
This is a real-ass PSA for all of you goddamn food-ordering midwits. Don’t think I don’t see you, you slobbering freshmen, cursed to overpay for housing...
What keeps me up at night: A definitive Poxvirus ranking
Hello viewers, and welcome to WatchMojo. Today, we’re counting down our top five poxviruses. From camelpox to variola minor, all of these poxes will leave...
Pittsburgh Mayor Recall
When you hear the word “recall,” I assume your first thought is concerning a manufacturer informing individuals to bring their automobiles into the shop...
Top 5 pickup artist tactics to employ on campus
Daygame in Sorrells Library Often, women will make known their availability by wearing large headphones and not looking at you. This is called "playing...
Local trans man gains ability to poop after coming out
This Friday, many queer people across the United States celebrated Trans Day of Visibility by gathering in large groups to promote the Gay Agenda. For...
'Let's cut the shit alright?': U.S. Military to Begin Operating Directly on CMU Campus
Carnegie Mellon, like any STEM school, deals with frequent accusations of supporting a "school to DOD pipeline" — implying, of course, that...
Opinion: Professors need to stop scheduling surprise exams I'm not prepared for where I'm not wearing pants and my teeth all fall out
I recently had an exam, which was held in a football stadium that was also Wean. It was not only a complete surprise to me and my classmates, but I was...
CMU Unveils Plans for New 50-Million Dollar Science Building Full of Stupid Bullshit
Last Thursday, the Carnegie Mellon Board of Trustees approved the construction of a new building thanks to a $50 million grant from notable alumnus Jerebis...
My Spiral and Me
Waking up is spiraling; spiraling down towards a day which ought to never go the way I had foreseen. The worldly burdens placed upon me are brutally angled...
Poll: 97 percent of CMU students want slogan to change
There is no better-known phrase at Carnegie Mellon than “My Heart is in the Work.” The incessant merchandising is enough to make even the most doomer...
Embarrassed by Your Major? Try This!
Look, we've all been there. You are chatting up some fine dame or dude, and the subject of your major comes up. Often, it is the first subject, because...