Foul Play: [This location for sale]
Hot dog, it’s sports season and that means it's the perfect time to blow all my savings on GAMBLING. I might be selling my soul to be here at Carnegie Mellon, you can bet your ass (at a solid -145) that I’m going to spend every last cent I have free on sports bets. The rush of winning 35 cents on a dollar is unparalleled compared to anything else I’ve ever done. Skydiving? Fuck that noise, give me a five game parlay any day of the week.
In fact, I’m really good at sports gambling. I’ve made so much money, I can buy myself not one, but two bubble teas at Hunan these days. Yeah, I’m pretty much the Jeff Bezos of Carnegie Mellon. In fact, to everyone who reads the Tartan, I’m willing to bet five HUNDRED doll— hold on, I have to take this call.
“Oh, I’m broke.”
“Okay, well, tell Tony I’ll have his money by the end of the week.”
“Today? You want me to find the money today?”
“What do you mean ‘it’d be a shame if something happened to my kneecaps’?”
“No, please, I’ll have your money, please.”
Sorry about that. In light of circumstances, I am now proud to announce that Foul Play has been sponsored by DraftKings! DraftKings is the only online betting app where the amount of money you put in and the amount of money you get out will be different! You could make money, you could lose money, you could go even, you could lose money, you could get kicked out of the NFL, you could lose mon— hey what.
Yep, you heard it here first. Or second. The NFL suspended five players for gambling on an app the NFL itself pushes people to use. Four players from the Detroit Lions, two indefinitely, and the rest for six months, for gambling on NFL property. Yeah.
So while you’re reading Foul Play remember not to gamble any money while reading the article. Gamble right after though, that I’ve got no issues with.
The NFL seems to have remembered that having a league that pretty much runs on profits from gambling is really, really bad. Players having an incentive to win or lose games is genuinely destructive to a sport, and people can track the collapse of boxing in the U.S. The mob put their thumb on the scale of boxing rings to try to launder money, and when it came out, people just stopped watching boxing.
That’s probably not going to happen to the NFL, considering how well gambling has gone across, but it’s still insane that we’re just sorta okay with people marketing gambling to everyone. Kids everywhere are watching these games, and seeing sports intertwined with sweaty sports guys trying to sell you on losing money.
Rest assured, I’m nothing like that. I only have your best intentions at heart, and that’s why, DraftKings, Foul Play edition is the only version of the app that has a 100 percent money back guarantee. As in, you are 100 percent guaranteed to get your money back when you win. Trust me, it’s the best deal you’ll get this side of East Mississippi.
See, the NFL wants to have its cake and eat it too. With tanking already a concept across all major North American franchises, losing just isn’t that costly. In fact, without any sort of relegation system, it’s just not a big deal to throw games, something which will make it a lot easier to shave points and throw games to pull off big paydays. I can imagine big favorites throwing games to get an underdog story going, while also collecting a big payout from people who were dumb enough to bet what Vegas predicted.
That’s really scary, and while there are always rumors that sports are rigged, the idea that the NFL, NBA, or MLB might genuinely just turn into their respective sport’s version of WWE is a pretty depressing thought.
At the same time, I just managed to pay enough to keep my kneecaps, so that’s all for tonight folks. Keep calm, carry on, and go gamble
Editors Note: Do not actually go gamble