Yeah I didn't watch this
Have you ever looked at a movie poster and said “there’s no way that’s any good”? Well, do I have the article for you. Welcome to Novel-TV, the only article this side of the Mississippi that’ll tell you what Big Hollywood doesn’t want to hear — completely misinformed reviews of movies I haven’t seen and hadn’t even heard of until Sunday at 2 a.m.
The Best Man
The cover on this one has two men with guns on it, so I’m guessing it's set in either Texas or Florida. Given that information, I can only imagine this movie involves intrepid gator hunters, crossing state borders to shoot El Alligatorio, a rabid alligator that ate the lead’s brother in the middle of his wedding. The movie’s climax will consist of the main character fighting El Alligatorio on a moving train being held up by helicopter over the Florida Gulf, and the ending will be the lead getting married to his brother’s widow so it all stays in the family. One deep fried alligator steak out of two.
Alternate Title: Moby Alligator Dick
This movie’s title sounds cute, so 50/50 odds it's about serial killers. Based on that assumption, this is a cute romcom about a serial killer dating the detective who’s hunting him. The movie swaps between scenes of brutal Saw-style murder and the serial killer taking the detective out to breakfast at Tiffany’s. The movie ends with the detective accepting that some people just have different ways of interacting with the world. Two liters of blood out of five.
Alternate Title: Stop Killing People? I’m literally neurodivergent AND played by Pedro Pascal lol.
Evil Dead Rising
There are only about 30 different combinations of the words “dead,” “evil,” and “rising,” so we’ve got maybe six more movies before this genre is done, I’m pretty sure. Either way, you know the drill. Curse, graveyard, quicksand if they’re feeling spicy, at least one unnecessary sex scene, and enough bones to teach high school biology. One evil out of zero Deads.
Alternate Title: In another world, but I have to kill people.
This movie has Nicholas Cage in it. I cannot speculate on this movie, because no matter what I say, the actual movie will be crazier.
Nicholas Cage decides to steal, get this, my homework, and that’s why I couldn’t submit it today.
The Pope’s Exorcist
The long awaited sequel to "Velocipastor," now the Pastor and the Pope have to team up to keep Tyranna-Satan Rex and his army of Die-ceratops from destroying the world. The Pastor and the Pope explore the meaning of love, devotion, and faith, in a heartrending romantic tragedy that will somehow last for six hours, and feel like twelve. Seventeen Hail Marys out of two.
Alternate Title: The Popemobile Rides Again.
Guy Ritchie’s The Covenant”
Based on the poster, the Ark of the Covenant gets stolen by ISIS, and now well-meaning psychology professor Oklahoma Johnson has to team up with a dog, a cat, and three patients to bring it back to America before it can be used for great evil. Three melting faces out of six.
Alternate Title: Indiana Jones and the Adventures of-- holy shit Harrison Ford is HOW OLD?
The bad ending from The Lorax, feat. Suffocation and Asphyxia.
Dungeons and Dragons, Honor Among Thieves
No dragons, no dungeons, just a bunch of weird groupies staring at me. Mid poster, 1.5 Dungeons out of Dragons.
Alternate Title: CMU RPG association broke into the Drama department
LeBron returns to the Cavs after reading about marxist revolutions in South America and demands the team be rebranded as the “Che-valiers.” He then goes to the finals 31 times, only to lose every time, redistributing the trophy among all the NBA teams. He then joins and successfully overthrows the government of Cleveland and renames it Brontown, Ohio. One Clevelent out of three Detroits.
Alternate Title: Space Jam 3
Beau is Afraid
It's a bunch of white guys on a farm in the South, seems like. I’m sure afraid of that.
Alternate Title: Children of the Cornmeal
Welp, that’s all I got for this week folks. Make sure to go watch some movies and have a blast!