Foul Play: what we do in the (drug induced) darkness

It’s that time of year again. And by that time, I mean anytime Aaron Rodgers has to think about his career. The NFL quarterback, most known for his high-level play in his career, his victory in Super Bowl XLV, and his four NFL Most Valuable Player awards, has had a lot of speculation going into this off season, with the Green Bay Packers rumored to be trading him to one of several teams. I’m not entirely sure what the Packers' thought process is, but considering the teams demonic luck in finding Hall of Fame quarterback play, I’d be very scared of what the team is planning. Sure, Jordan Love looks kinda disappointing right now, but maybe the Packers are gonna shove some Super Soldier Serum up his ass and turn him into Captain Football.

And yes, I know the Bears are terrified of another HoF Packers QB. I’m sorry Bears, I really do hope the bad man leaves soon, and I really hope you can figure out how to pass the ball soon.

Of course, Aaron Rodgers, one of the saner and better put together quarterbacks in the league, has decided to handle the rumors by disappearing into a darkness retreat for four days.

Yep. Absolute and complete darkness. According to Rodgers, it’s just like taking DMT, but without the DMT and … anything else. Rodgers is essentially gonna go sit in time out for a couple days to figure out where he’s planning on going.

Rodgers has been reported (by me) to have said “Bro it’s like being in heaven without the Ayahuasca. I’m planning on getting extra big portions through the feeding tube in case the Hat Man shows up.” The Hat Man being a frequent character in Rodgers' trips, as well as the 12th man Rodgers was targeting on this play against San Francisco.

The rest of the NFL waits with bated breath as teams scramble to sell enough souls to find cap space for Rodgers' finicky contract, and teams who claim to be "one QB away’" cough Colts cough are scrambling to figure out how to grab that one quarterback.

In terms of teams that might actually land him, eyes really land on the New York Football Jets, the Al Davis Raiders, and the Washington Communists.

Washington is currently in the process of selling the team, maybe, possibly, perhaps, depending on whether or not Dan Snyder gets enough of an ego boost from the sale. With the team's future in uncertain waters, as well as a new offensive coordinator in Eric Bieniemy, Washington could use a stable veteran to right the ship. At the same time, Sam Howell is currently undefeated, and may never be defeated again, so who knows what the team plans on doing.

Meanwhile, the Raiders have buried themselves in so much cap space they might actually have the opportunity to be good next season. This is gonna be their year, I can feel it. Just like every year since 2002.

But seriously, the Raiders are doing really, really good in terms of cap space. Getting rid of Carr has left them with almost $50 million in space, which may increase as the offseason continues. They’re in third place, behind the Falcons and Bears, though the Bears already have a solution for a quarterback in the coming season. For the Raiders, picking up a solid QB in Rodgers could help them make some waves, though I doubt Rodgers wants to play in a division with Mahomes, Justin Herbert’s media team, and Mr. Bad Charity. If he does go to the Raiders, they did have a top 10 offensive line closing out the 2022 season, and that might give Rodgers the time and space to make those dime throws that won him MVP in the 2020 and 2021.

Finally, there is everyone’s "favorite" team, the New York Jetropolitan Rugby Club. After a disastrous season behind Zach “I love everyone’s mother” Wilson and Mike “I swear I’m a good QB” White, the Jets missed out on a postseason berth, continuing their streak since 2010. It’s a pretty disastrous finish for a team that drafted second overall, only to bust on the Mormon Mother’s Man out of BYU. While the Jets didn’t have much on defense, in the few games that White or Wilson did do well in, it seems like they have the rest of the weapons necessary to make Rodgers good, and more importantly, they were one win away from making the postseason this year over Seattle. Rodgers might have made the difference in one of the many games the Jets threw away this year, and given a good returning receiving core, we could see the Jets snap one of the longest playoff droughts in NFL history.

However, the real issue for a lot of these teams is a lack of long-term planning. Neither the Raiders nor the Commanders have a good long term plan at QB, and Rodgers would only really serve as a stop gap, not a QB to build a team around. With both teams facing tough divisions, not having consistent winning may be a serious problem, and without the faith that Rodgers will still be here, basically ever, it’s hard to see the Raiders or the Commies make the commitment to him. I’ve heard Washington is even trying to get in touch with the cartels for all of Rodgers’ favorite drugs.

Personally? I see Rodgers going to the Jets. As much as it’s funny to clown on the team, they do deserve to see January again, and I’d love to see the team see a little bit more winning. Not too much winning, but just a little bit. With how bad they’ve drafted, giving up those picks is probably a good thing, and they could give the Jets the ability to pay attention to winning instead of trying to rebuild year on year. With White and Wilson, two capable backups. Rodgers could have a pretty secure job, and when it comes to future returns, sitting Zach “Stacy’s Mom was my girlfriend” Wilson could help the Jets out. Wilson could get a lot of experience sitting behind Rodgers, taking a few DMT trips with him, and finding out the real hot single in his area was him all along.