Pillbox

Carnegie Mellon University Students Create New Cryptocurrency, dubbed AndyCoin

Note from the editor: We here at The Tartan take our journalism very seriously. As such, we would like to sincerely apologize for an inaccurate assertion we made in our last issue of Pillbox. In our reporting on the multi-enfabulator, we erroneously claimed that the panametric fan consisted of hydrocoptic marzelvanes. The enfabulator project team asked us to clarify that vanes are an obsolete technology; the new panametric assembly actually uses a marzel-type fitting with a low slip coefficient to house a reductive chafe-membrane. We deeply apologize for any confusion this has caused. The junior staff writer responsible for the mistake has been locked in the Wasp Room until further notice.

Last week the CMU Crypto Cats, a cryptocurrency-based student organization, made an announcement saying they had finalized development on an original cryptocurrency that they call AndyCoin.

The most novel aspect of this currency is the design of its "blockchain." For those unfamiliar, blockchains (also known as "Distributed Ledger Technology") are the means by which a cryptocurrency operates. Simply put, they are a ledger of every transaction that occurs with the associated cryptocurrency. The blockchain gets stored on hundreds, if not thousands of different computers, meaning that the official tally of who has how many coins is distributed among many different people — this is how they keep the record decentralized. Anytime somebody wishes to transfer cryptocurrency, their request must be approved by every computer on the network before a new transaction is appended to the end of the blockchain. As long as all the versions of the blockchain agree, people can freely trade crypto without the need for a central authority.

In their announcement, the Crypto Cats explain their work. "With data obfuscation, procedural obtuseness, and consumer-end price volatility as our primary goal, work has been proceeding on developing a novel blockchain protocol that would maximize speculative financial contributions while also inflating the apparent individual commodity value. The value of AndyCoin in conventional fiat currency is realized through an innovative process that converts asset bundles from recent investors into payout for earlier contributors." They also explain their motivation, claiming, "we wanted to spread the gospel of Web3 and crypto to the students of Carnegie Mellon University, and what better way than to create a CMU-centered cryptocurrency?" According to their announcement, their end goal is to phase out flex-cash and replace it entirely with AndyCoins. "Students will soon be able to buy into this exciting new currency, and those who adopt early may even make a small profit once we see widespread acceptance."

The only new principle involved is that instead of the blockchain relying on proof-of-stake verification, the chain operates on a micro-bid-oriented matrix-scape wherein any front-end certifications are initially sent downstream to the public DAO server (provided that the bid tokens are still functionally fungible at the moment of a transaction). After a user sends a transaction request, a new appendage is made to the ledger after its vector multiples are consummated. The user is then sent an aggregated metadata packet which gets reoriented into a unique 64-bit hash ledger, allowing their crypto wallet to receive the appropriate funds. Spontaneous executions within the liminal void space are of course a concern, however the wire-stack permits integration of a null-key by verified DAO accounts to mitigate the effects of this. Furthermore, Linux-based aggregation dummies are entirely forbidden to minimize the need for null-admin interventions. A lymphatically-driven class arbitrator will also be semantically employed to prevent a consensus fork in the chain, thus encouraging token stability.

When asked what inspired this revolutionary new procedure, the team leader cited the principle of "minimally distal bar sequences'' pioneered by Herbert Simon. This principle, developed by legendary Carnegie Mellon University computer science professor Herbert Simon (the namesake of Newell-Simon Hall), demonstrates that low-echelon bin operators will always arbitrate the nearest local bar sequence in a skew-framework. The Crypto Cats have ingeniously employed this principle in such a way that the blockchain can more efficiently integrate the proximal components of the distal command network.

The announcement has also garnered attention from the founder of Ether, Vitalik Buterin, who attended a recent conference hosted by the Crypto Cats. "I'm so excited to see the future of computing getting so involved with Web3. Carnegie Mellon has been at the forefront of computer science for decades, and these kids are continuing that tradition by revolutionizing the efficiency with which blockchains can concentrate crypto-backed assets among select stakeholders". He added, "I'm particularly interested to see how these new ideas might be integrated into the metaverse".

Such exciting news. At any rate, this reporter is sold on the idea, and I look forward to the prospect of minting an NFT of Farnam Jahanian on the AndyCoin blockchain. To the moon!