Canada Goose infestation hits the Midwest: birdwatching report

We encounter many strange and unusual natural phenomena here in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Whether it’s the morning smog creeping over Flagstaff like the hand of fate, or random unprompted pebbles of ice pummeling from the sky, I think we can truly say we have seen it all. And this fall is no different — we will witness a yearly natural wonder: the slow but inevitable appearance of the Canada Goose across our beloved campus.

This rare and expensive being is known for its incredible insulatory properties — but beware! The wearers themselves are feral creatures, prone to snap their beaks at anyone who might question where “the money’s coming from.” The jacket? It is always a gift, and no, it’s not a status symbol; the wearer just happens to have one "'cause it keeps them warm." Unfortunately for us goose-watchers, this particular breed is wont to disappear unexpectedly over weekends, with its wearer often going on private trips both up and down the East Coast and overseas, so the species is primarily only observable on weekdays. To my fellow birdwatchers, make note!

Several other species which also bear mentioning are popping up across our festering ecosystem. Beware, birdwatcher, of the Carhartt — it is a two-faced animal. The wearer might own it simply due to its durability, but do not fall for that lovely young boy you assume is the son of a steelworker due to his workwear garb and steel-toed boots. You might find it is all, at its base, an aesthetic gesture, and the wearer is not truly working-class but rather a breed much closer to the aforementioned Canada Goose. However! This ornithologist is willing to concede that on many occasions, particularly in Pittsburgh at our particular trade school, the Carhartt is indeed being used towards its original workwear intention.

And what is this, flying down so lightly and softly to sip at the watering-hole? It is a North Face! A sturdy and colorful species, migrating south from Yosemite to hibernate in our little Tinseltown for the wintertime. The North Facer is easy to identify from far away, from the sound of their Redbubbled Hydro Flask hitting the floor with a resounding clang every four to five minutes. The soft padding of their Uggs are also a key to locating the breed.

Lastly, but not least, by far the strangest animal I’ve observed on campus is a stark departure from these three species — it is in a category of its own. Even on the coldest, wettest, and most miserable of days, I’ve observed an abnormal number of young males wearing nothing but a hoodie, and a logo-ed one at that. Is the need to publicize one’s internship stronger than the need for warmth? Is the redundancy of stating the university we are all already attending on one’s hoodie so necessary, so vital, and so important, that a coat dare not conceal it? Further research is needed into the matter.