Q. My roommate keeps sexiling me over and over. What do I do?
A. First off, nice! That was for your roommate, not you. Get a life, ya virgin, or learn how to sleep in the tub.
Q. Hey, my roommate keeps sleeping in the tub whenever I’m trying to get busy. How do I get them to leave?
A. In a perfect world, I would tell you to ask them to join you. My freshman year, my roommate and I shared everything, and I mean everything. Needed a pencil? He was the man. Need an extra towel? Let’s just shower together dude! Your partner’s on the way? Cool, let me get us some Gatorade. My point is, if you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go fa’, ménage à trois.
Q. I’m trying to start Christmas shopping early, but I’m afraid that the supply line stuff will mess that up. How do I get around a global economic disaster?
A. There is no greater gift than the one that comes from the heart. Even before the world turned upside down, the best presents were those that people made from scratch. Did you know that raccoons observe Christmas too? Yes, they reach into the trash and create little gifts made from wrappers, old food, and what biologists call “a truly staggering amount of used contraceptives.” This year, learn from your fellow mammals and give a gift that you know they can’t throw away.
Q. I know it’s kind of late in the semester, but I want to join a club. Which ones should I look at?
A. The most prestigious organization on campus is one you’ve probably never even heard about. Called the Sons of Andrew, this secretive organization recruits only the most promising students. No, there’s no GPA requirement, referrals needed, or even an application. The best way to get their attention is to stand at the top of Hammerschlag during a thunderstorm, steel bar in one hand and a promissory note in the other. Then, you should be approached by a shadowy figure that will then dj9iaepoipoiopjpaaaaaaa
Q. You still there?
A. kaljsdhfoiqwjpdkf;akds resurrect Andrew Carnegie aodi3wpjkowieocawe 100 years of darkness apsdifpwec peupuieljpb Primanti’s forever.