penalty shouts: ncaa tournament update

Last week, I wrote about Robert Kraft, and most of it came from a place of anger at the way the system works. Good comedy rarely stems from a place of anger, so I’m going to return to the origins of this here column: basketball.

In the NCAA, conference tournaments are getting started this week. And the Atlantic Sun, or as I like to say, Atlantic Buns, Conference kicks it all off. One of the first matches is between No-Name Middle State University (N-NMSU) and Lipscomb. John Smith of N-NMSU has at least one double-double this season, and he is looking to add one more to the total over the course of the conference tournament. According to their local publication, The Where Am I? Tribune, Smith believes that a strong performance during the conference tournament might earn him a spot in the Sunday League in his hometown. From there, he might even be able to graduate to the Sunday and Wednesday league: “those guys are so good, I would love to be able to get their autographs.”

On another side of the conference tournament weeks, which conclude on March 17, is the ACC championship game. And as it turns out, Duke and the University of North Carolina are already in the finals! Pitt lost in the first round to Virginia. None of these things have actually happened, but I have a stunning foresight called common sense. I also have a time machine. But like the plot of Back to the Future II, the protagonist will not allow me to profit from my future knowledge. Instead, I’m resigned to writing ice-cold sports takes that aren’t even slightly funny for a college newspaper at a college that would find themselves six feet under before touching anything sports-related with a ten-foot pole. It’s a rough life.

On some things related to the NCAA, I’ve been sworn to secrecy by the organization, but I can tell you one thing: the dark horse candidate for the conference tournaments this year is Tennessee Tech. They are 4-14 in the Ohio Valley Conference, and Belmont is, like, actually good. But Tennessee Tech is going to run the gauntlet and win their tournament; it’s a verified fact, from the future.