Penalty Shouts: Editor-in-Chief takeover

This is Penalty Shouts, The Tartan’s sports column inspired by the The New Yorker’s column Daily Shouts. This satire-fueled column will focus on anything and everything funny in the sports world that is deserving of our comedic attention.

Okay, kids. They called in the Editor-in-Chief to recount the Superb Bowl because Matt could not write this week for some reason...something about athlete's pen? That was an athlete's foot joke, for those who do not get the reference, which is a kind of mold athletes grow because they make them all shower in the same place. But Matt cannot get that, because he merely writes about people who shower in those places. Hence the pen.

This made sense to me, because in high school, I was on the girl's varsity basketball team for a year, before being cut because I was bad at basketball. I think people are too mean to The Tartans here, because I bet it's really hard to be a student athlete, and I would know that because of the aforementioned stint as a real, varsity basketball player. And no, my high school did not have a junior varsity basketball team, or cut anyone from the varsity team, why are you asking?

Okay. The super bowl. I wanted to eat nachos during it because I really like nachos and it seemed like the right time to have them for dinner, so I got three orders of chips from Gallo, a weird frozen black bean enchilada casserole from Entropy, and various odds and ends of cheese. With the Gallo salsa mixed with some adobo sauce, it was really good! The Gallo guy asked me if I was having a party because I got three orders of chips. Alas, I was not.

I played Luigi's Haunted Mansion (a VERY scary horror game) on my friend's 3DS, ate my nachos, and watched local Vermont commercials from a weird illegal stream, so a pretty good Super Bowl.

The that's thing about the Super! Bowl. It's like, really super. Like just so great. They pick the most superest, most universally adored teams and players, and get them all on the field!

Wait — I'm being told that Tom Brady is on the winning team. I no longer stand by my comments because I cannot get behind a man who supports...such terrible fear mongering...such poorly-informed bigotry against a whole class...such ill-supported, offensive flim-flam. The fact that he is allowed to be a public figure should be a stain on our society. I am referring, of course, to the fact that he DOESN'T EAT NIGHTSHADES? What did tomatoes and potatoes ever do to him???? What a sociopath. No wonder he's a fascist.