Pillbox

The War on the War on Christmas

The holidays are approaching. The temperature is plummeting, Christmas music is prematurely blaring in stores, students are frantically wrapping up the end of the semester ... and the controversial Starbucks cups have come out.

Wait, has there been an uproar over the cups this year?

The last controversy I can remember over Starbucks holiday cups was in 2017, when two women's hands were displayed on the cup. This was clear evidence of Starbucks fanning the flames of the War on Christmas. First, it was "Happy Holidays" printed on cups; next, plain red cups. What's next, keeping the classic white cup design all throughout Christmas? How am I supposed to keep the Christmas spirit without reindeer, which have nothing to do with my faith, grazing my cup?

I've come to accept controversy over disposable coffee cups as a Christmas tradition, much like putting up Christmas trees or making gingerbread houses. But this year, it's been too damn quiet. I don't like this. How can we have the holidays in the 21st century without an uproar over the cups?

Folks, I present to you possibly the greatest idea: the War on the War on Christmas.

Simply having a war is not enough. Seeing radical conservatives getting worked up over secular cups and seeing the secular response is not enough. We're about to welcome a new decade, friends. We must break the fourth wall that corporate America has constructed to see two major consumer demographics fight over. The large corporations hope to gain traction and revenue by having uproar, and what better way than to ruffle some feathers over the War on Christmas?

Yes, you're hearing that right: the War on War on Christmas is fighting the forces that threw us into the war in the first place.

How I will go without my peppermint mocha skillfully made by an underpaid barista is beyond me. I can barely assemble a peanut butter sandwich, never mind assemble a specialty drink. But, hey — this generation is full of young and overzealous souls who think they can overhaul society but are too terrified to order pizza on the phone. Maybe my incompetence will be overridden by a cumulation of anxiety-riddled young adults. Maybe they can converge into at least one functional entity that can lead the war against the war that's been phasing in and out for decades.