Pillbox

Advice for Awkward People: April Fools Edition

Dear Ruth,

Honestly, dude. I’m so screwed. Two nights ago I threw a pretty LIT banger at my house for my friend’s 21st surprise birthday party — which, by the way, was a huge success. But there was one minor mishap. Someone spilled a college student classic of Smirnoff and Sprite on my bedroom carpet. Yikes, I know. Thankfully, both vodka and sprite are clear and didn't leave a stain on my carpet. The real horror is the army of ants that swarmed the crime scene that I got to wake up to. I frantically jumped out of bed and tried to kill them all, and for that day I thought I was safe.

So I went to bed last night, thinking I was in the clear and that I had taken the necessary precaution to avoid an infestation. So this morning, after I got to work and took out my laptop, I soon realized that leaving my laptop on the ground overnight was the single greatest mistake I have made in my entire life to date. Ants began crawling out of my laptop in amounts I have never before seen. I didn't know if it would stop. I couldn't use my usual ant killing methods of stomping on them because, well, it was my laptop. All I could do was shake it violently and hope that they'd fall out (please don't tell the rest of the staff that I dumped out an entire extended family of ants onto the floor of the office). As the day progresses, I find more and more ants on me and my belongings — just a moment ago I had to shake some ants out of my sleeves. Yuck.

So what do I do? Clearly my home is infested, and now I'm pretty sure I'm going to need a new backpack. Do those ant traps really work? Should I check out one of those weird Pinterest at-home remedies for bugs? Please help, before I'm eaten alive!

Send help,
Not Okay. Ants Need To Stop

Dear NO ANTS,

Run.

No, seriously, run. Drop out of school, change your name, leave the country. Any and all of the above. Tell your parents that you love them, your roommates that they can have your stuff, and your friend who spilled vodka on your floor that you're not mad, just disappointed, and also leaving forever and never coming back. This is your life now.

It's not going to be easy. By the time your soon-to-be short life ends, you will be hardened, grizzled, and filled with the weary loneliness that can only come from a life on the run. You'll spend everyday thinking fondly of your family, friends, and bed until they start to fade from your mind like a distant memory. Some days, you'll wonder why you ever ran in the first place, but then you'll remember — ants. And then, you'll start scratching.

They will always be following you. They will never stop. Humanity famously beatout apex predators by walking behind them, using our stamina and two-legged physique to outlast them. We're known for being the best followers and the best pursuers, but that's all a lie. It was ants the whole time. Once they find you, they will never leave you alone. They'll crawl across the world just to crawl all over your skin with their creepy creepy feet.

Every time you feel an itch, you'll wonder — was that them? Are they still on you? Have they caught up? (They have. It was always too late. Running was a distant hope, but the only one you had left. I'm sorry.)

(You deserved better than this.)

Keep running,
Ruth