Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

Cold weather equals death.

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

Just shiver and pray.

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

The nights get longer, and your insomnia gets worse.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

You ponder the existence of Daylight Savings Time.

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

WINTER BREAK NEARS!

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

As winter looms, your coffee intake increases.

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

You eagerly await eggnog season.

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

The lack of leaves on the trees chills your soul.

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

Your winter coat increases your body width by a factor of two.

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

ALL. OF. THE. SCARVES.

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

If your gloves don't have googly eyes, are you even trying?

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

Double pants are the only acceptable pants.