Advice for Awkward People

Dear Sarah,

Yesterday when I woke up, I went to check the news, as I always do, on Facebook trending. I was prepared for just another sign of the apocalypse, but the one that I got shook me to my core.

Wet Seal will close all of its locations. No one could have seen this coming. I've been shopping there to stay at the forefront of sugar baby fashions ever since my parents gave me my first AmEx. When this season's Wet Seal goes out of style, I don't know what I'm going to do. I need to transition to a new line by summer without missing a beat. What are my options?

Rest In Panties

Dear RIP,

Girl, I know exactly how you feel. Facebook trending really ruined my day with this one. We sugar babies have to stick together through this. I've planned the ultimate shopping trip, only requiring one quick bus trip.

Start out in Oakland on Forbes Avenue at the hottest spot in the neighborhood: Rue21. You may have to push through crowds of Pitt students getting after the latest in choker trends, but it's worth it. Then walk just a block and a half to catch the 75 inbound from Fifth and Atwood, then get your little booty off at Sidney and S. 28th and you're basically at Forever 21. Shop till you drop, but if you don't drop, you're still walking distance away from Urban Outfitters, H&M, American Eagle, and BCBG!

Try not to max out!

Dear Sarah,

I'm feeling really stressed about this first 112 lab, and all I want in the whole world is a pint of Ben and Jerry's Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch. I really want to go to Entropy+ and blow my DineX on it. The crunchy, rich pseudo-caffeination calls my name from across Forbes, singing sweet songs of sweeter dairy-induced comas. The only problem? It is too freaking cold to go outside right now, let alone over three times the recommended daily value of fat and sugar from the frozen section.

My heart and soul need the ice cream. This lab is like a dementor, sucking out every positive feeling I can muster, creating a hole in me that is exactly Ben and Jerry's shaped. But I get full-body chills just thinking about bearing the elements for a block of ice. What should I do?

Seriously Troubled and Upset Coding Kid


You know what you need to do. There is no question that you must embark on this mission, but it will require much preparation. If it ever seems to difficult, just think of that pint of coffee crunch goodness at the end of the journey, because it needs you almost as much as you need it.

First, you must put on three layers of the warmest clothing you possess. Second, you must do at least three minutes of jumping jacks — however long it takes to work up an intense sweat that cannot escape your poly-blend cocoon. Finally, put on your coat, hat, gloves, and boots. And don't forget your ID. Now, you are ready for whatever may lie ahead, muscles warm enough to jog if need be, and body temperature elevated enough to almost enjoy the chill. I know exercise can be difficult, but if you're about to eat that much ice cream, you're really doing yourself a favor.

Or should I say, flavor?