Advice for Awkward People

Dear Sarah,

Normally it really bugs me that J. K. Rowling can't shut up and just leave the [ITAL]Harry Potter[ITAL] series alone for Dumbledore's sake, but last week I made an exception. She released the Patronus test, getting me where I'm weak: Internet quizzes.

I had a near heart attack when I saw the buzz on Facebook. I scrambled to reset my Pottermore password (the neurons that housed that memory are long dead), then I answered each unnerving question with bated breath, oohing and ahhing at the on-point AF visuals.

As I flew through the woods toward my result, I had good vibes. I knew I was going to be something amazing, like a unicorn or a snow leopard or a phoenix.

Except then I turned the final corner, and there I saw a rat. A. Rat. What am I supposed to make of this? Rowling didn't even give descriptions!

Sure, I shared the Pizza Rat video with the caption "lol relatable," but, as far as I was concerned, pizza is the only thing I have in common with rats. Then I started reflecting. What if I really am a rat? I am kind of conniving and gossipy. It's not like I'm a snitch, but I have spilled a few secrets.

I love cheese more than almost any other food in the world. If I saw it on a neck-snapping device I would probably at least try to get a nibble. Also my hygiene could be better. I could cause a plague, who knows? Have I been living my life under the illusion that I'm a mystical creature, only to realize that I'm basically a bottom feeder? Is this what growing up is?

Refusing to Accept The Results Of Negative Ugly Shit

Dear Ratronus,

Rats get a bad rap. As a lifelong rodent advocate, I want us to dispel these myths, for your peace of mind, and for rats everywhere.

Science has exonerated rats in the spread of the plague, so you can forget that. Rats aren't nearly as dirty as common perception leads us to believe.

As animals, they're not quite as evil and villainous as we think they are either. Rats are very intelligent, playful, social animals that actually make wonderful companions. They can actually be trained to respond to their names! Just think of a tiny dog with a super long tail. Isn't that better?

I, too, was frustrated with Rowling for not even taking the time to give us insight into what these obscure patronus results mean (I got vulture and was also offended), so I took to Google. Luckily, Quotev user sixbhn wrote an article to make sense of this madness. In regards to rats, Sixbhn tells us, "Ambitious, social adaptable. Rat people tend to be creative, intelligent, impulsive and ostentatious."

Those are pretty good traits. Nimbleness in all parts of life is an enviable strength!

But IRL, internet quizzes are super fun trash. Remember this. Sure, it's fun to learn more about the you that the quiz perceives you to be, but keep in mind that they are absolutely made up. Maybe even worse than horoscopes. You could probably take the test a different day and get an entirely different result.

The only test that decides who you are is the test you take when you look at yourself in the mirror. If you see a phoenix, then be that phoenix.

All the love,