Advice for Awkward People

Hi Josh!

I've got one of those problems that isn't really a problem, but it's like really hard and odd for me, so I just wanted to know what you think. So long story short, I met my soulmate. Like he's an amazing artist-type, plays the cello and knows his way around a camera, and he's got some dainty chest hair going on, and he's into literally everything I love. Like if God reached out to me and was like "Hey yo, list everything you want in a man, and I'll make you one, specially for you," and then I wrote down everything I want in a man, and God made him, it'd be this kid.

So the problem isn't that he's perfect, the problem is that he doesn't like me the same way. Like he isn't straight. But I want him to be straight. And it's a terrible situation because I want him to love me, but he doesn't see me like that, and it's kinda like being in the friend zone but worse because he's not only not interested in me, but my entire sex. And it's not even like I can just ignore him because I see him basically every day in one way or another. So like. What do?

Everything's Hard

Dear EH,

I've been there, and you're right; it is a weird and slightly terrible situation to be in. Not only because you have these unrequited feelings, but because there's a little bit of you that's like "you're not right the way you are, I'd rather you were this way, so I could be happier." One of my biggest life philosophies is to not spend time worrying about things I can't control, and other people fall very squarely into that category.

I can't tell you exactly what to do, because this sounds like a "you" problem, but I can say that changing your thought patterns is probably the best way to go. Or maybe you could blatantly ask him "yo man, you bi?" or point to a random girl as you're both walking to class and subtly say "dayum, shawty," and see if he joins in the muted cat-calling, as many straight men are wont to do. Or you could just ask him. Or you could just flee the country and live as a hermit in Nicaragua. The possibilities are endless.