The Tartan fantasy football league heats up in Week 3
Hello, it's me. I was wondering if after all these months you've missed getting your weekly fantasy football update from your old friend Sarah.
That's right, I was the biggest loser last week. One of the Teams Foley got lucky when I made not just one or two bad bench calls, but four. Four bad calls that could have earned me an extra 50 points, saving me the humiliation of only scoring 64 points. But hindsight is 20-20, and the matchup was 86–64.
[BOLD]Team Foley over McManus’s Anus 86–64[BOLD]
Remember how Panthers' wide receiver Kelvin Benjamin was really great for two weeks in a row, raking in 21 and 29 points for me in weeks one and two, respectively? And remember how I reached for legendary Patriots' tight end Gronk in the draft, and then he was injured for weeks one and two? Well, I started them both this week, then they both scored me a hard zero. So thanks for nothing, a-holes. Meanwhile on the bench I had QB Matt Stafford with 26 points, and wide receiver Michael Crabtree with 18. But I'm not bitter. Especially not about the part where Team Foley's kicker Justin Tucker of the Ravens scored 17 points to McManus's 5. That's fine.
[BOLD]Dreamland Warriors over Masshole Knickerbockers 137-86[BOLD]
Assistant Sports Editor Ian Tanaya's Dreamland Warriors continue to make Kirby proud. Just among New Orleans QB Drew Brees, Bills' running back Lesean McCoy, and Seahawks' kicker Steven Hauschka, Tanaya raked in 64 points. Two thirds of his team scored double digits. Even though Beresford and the Masshole Knickerbockers had two awesome performances — 23 from Tampa Bay running back Charles Sims and 24 from Jaguars wide receiver Allen Robinson — the rest of her lineup kind of crapped the bed. My thoughts are with you, Lula.
[BOLD]Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood over Plaidie Daddies 132-96[BOLD]
This was a juicy matchup. Best friend versus best friend. Jade versus India. Competition was intense. Operations Manager Jade Crockem sealed the deal as the only team with an undefeated record. She can send a major thank you to Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay QB and all-around babe, for his solid four touchdowns and 24 points, and Seahawks wide receiver Doug Baldwin who received for an actually astounding 164 yards and 30 points. Online Editor India Price's Emanuel Sanders, wide receiver for the Broncos, also had a pretty impressive week, receiving for 117 yards and raking in 32 points. But unfortunately, Price's lineup didn't have the depth we saw in Crockem's, and Crockem continues to reign. If I were a betting woman, I'd put my money on her to stay undefeated another week, as she only has Pillbox Editor Abhishek Tayal and his team Minaj And Co. to beat. We just explained to him this past week what a "down" means.
[BOLD]Team Foley over Minaj And Co. 131–119[BOLD]
I have to say how impressed I am that Team Foley has been so successful this season. And in week two, somehow four of Team Foley's players scored more than 20 points (Rams' running back Todd Gurley with 21, 49ers running back Carlos Hyde with 25, Bears' tight end Zach Miller with 27, and Falcons' running back Devonta Freeman with 31). So basically I curse whatever deities exist for the unfairness that was this auto-draft. Tayal and Minaj And Co. still had a pretty good week, though, I have to say. The Chiefs absolutely destroyed the Jets 24–3 last week, so good thing Tayal started their D/ST for a total of 32 points. Dolphins' wide receiver Jarvis Landry also brought in a solid 26 points, but in the end it didn't matter. Too bad Tayal wasn't playing the other Team Foley or he could have won, and I still would have lost anyway. Can you tell I'm bitter?
[BOLD]extremely dank team over Flaming Bears 144–143[BOLD]
I have to say this margin makes me laugh pretty hard at Layout Manager Zeke Rosenberg's expense. Last weekend his attention was pretty occupied by having to take the LSATs, so he forgot to put Green Bay wide receiver Jordy Nelson back into his starting lineup. So of course Nelson scored 28 points for the bench and Rosenberg soiled his undefeated record. I'm sorry, but ha-ha-ha-ha. Sports Editor Alex Wood's extremely dank team can thank Colts' wide receiver T.Y. Hilton for his exceptional 31 points, but the rest of his team is still just pretty great - dare I say dank? I'm thinking I should propose a trade and throw in a couple of articles for his section next week so try to get my hands on some actually successful players.
For week four, I'm excited to see how the inevitable Team Foley versus Team Foley epic matchup will go. My money is definitely on Team Foley! The only other matchup I'm really excited about is my own, against Rosenberg's Flaming Bears, because as a wise friend once told me, "The most interesting thing to talk about is your own fantasy team. The least interesting thing to listen to someone talk about is their own fantasy team."