The Tartan fantasy football league stumbles into Week 5
It’s tradition in The Tartan Fantasy Football League to make the biggest loser of the week hang up their jersey in shame and write the recap article. However, week five was pretty interesting. This was the first week I decided to do something drastic that I had not yet considered: try. Torment from my fellow team owners convinced me that I could at least bench players with negative projected scores. Sports Editor Alex Wood’s starting lineup consisted of two tight ends, a running back, and the entire Seahawks defense on their bye week.
And despite the fact that my entire team played and that I actually tried for once, I still only narrowly swooped in for second to last over Wood. Quantitatively Wood is the biggest loser, but I will bow out gracefully as to not cause myself any more humiliation and to relieve Wood of another article. So without further ado, here’s the fantasy football week five recap, as told by the owner of the worst quality team in the league.
Distressed Donkeys over Plaidie Daddies 105–86
Going into the week five matchup against Pillbox Editor Abhishek Tayal’s Distressed Donkeys was nerve-wracking for me. Pittsburgh Steeler’s quarterback Ben Roethlisberger put up 34 points the week prior against the New York Jets and I was worried about a repeat scenario. As a Pittsburgh native, I took it pretty personally when Steelers’ quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and running back Le’Veon Bell handed the Distressed Donkeys 29 and 23 points respectively. To my demise, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning scraped me up a mere nine total points. The Plaidie Daddies’ top scorers were Denver Broncos wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders, who brought in 15 points against the Falcons, and Baltimore Ravens tight end Dennis Pitta, who brought in 12. Unfortunately, the Plaidie Daddies left 51 points on the bench and didn’t stand a chance against Roethlisberger and Bell, nor could they pull more points than San Diego wide receiver Travis Benjamin, who managed to run the ball 117 yards, snagging the Distressed Donkeys another 18 points. The Distressed Donkeys took the W over the Plaidie Daddies, 105–86.
Dreamland Warriors over extremely dank team 124–72
This rivalry was a heated one. Sports Editor Alex Wood versus Assistant Sports Editor Ian Tanaya. Unfortunately, and maybe even unknowingly for Wood, he started a team that would go on to only play five players. Despite extremely dank team grabbing onto 33 points from this week’s league top scorer, wide receiver T.Y. Hilton of the Indianapolis Colts, Tanaya’s Dreamland Warriors still boasted a 52 points lead at the end of the week. Key players for Tanaya this week were Chicago Bears running back Jordan Howard and Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald. Howard finished the week with 118 rushing yards and a touchdown, for 24 points. Fitzgerald completed six receptions from quarterback Drew Stanton, pulling in 26 points. Other notable Dreamland Warriors performances came from San Diego wide receiver Tyrell Williams, who set a career high in yards against the Raiders, and Buffalo Bills running back LeSean McCoy who rushed an impressive 150 yards against Los Angeles.
What is going on? over Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood 132–102
Regardless of the fact that Forum Editor Sinead Foley literally did not know what was going on, she put up an impressive victory over Operations Manager Jade Crockem’s Mr. Rodgers’ Neighborhood. Arizona Cardinals running back David Johnson gained What is going on? 32 points after rushing an impactful 157 yards. Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck threw for two touchdowns against Chicago, handing Foley another 21 points. What is going on? also saw strong performances from wide receivers Randall Cobb of the Green Bay packers and DeAndrew Hopkins of the Houston Texans, who earned 19 and 16 points respectively. Crockem’s performance cannot be discounted, however. Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott handed Mr Rodger’s Neighborhood a strong 31 points. Denver wide receiver Demarylus Thomas and Green Bay QB Aaron Rodgers, both snagged an amicable 15 points for Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood.
Flaming Bears over How does this work? 148–140
After figuring out the gist of what was going on, Foley’s performance improved immensely. But Layout Manager Zeke Rosenberg was hard to rival in week five, with all but Arizona kicker Chandler Catanzaro throwing up double digit scores. The highest score from Rosenberg this week came from Carolina tight end Greg Olsen, who put up 27 points against Tampa Bay. Pittsburgh wide receiver Antonio Brown also had a strong week, completing nine receptions for 78 yards and 22 points against the Jets. Though she suffered a loss to Rosenberg, Foley’s team put up the second-highest score in the league thanks to impressive displays from Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri, 49ers running back Carlos Hyde, and Bengals QB Andy Dalton, all offering up over 20 points.
Masshole Knickerbockers over McManus’s Anus 108–97
Former Personnel Manager Lula Beresford put up her first W this week against Publisher Sarah Gutekunst. Both teams fought hard, but the Masshole Knickerbockers pushed ahead thanks to Patriots QB Tom Brady (sigh), who completed 406 yards against Cleveland in his season debut for a total of 29 points. Oakland wide receiver Amari Cooper did his part for the Knickbockers, bringing in 138 yards for 27 points overall. McManus’s Anus had a slightly rougher week, leaving over 40 points on the bench. Some notable performances, however, came from Detroit QB Matthew Stafford and New England tight end Rob Gronkowski who scored 18 and 15 points respectively.
Going into week six, I’m determined to get back on my A-game. I’ve got some tough competition against the 4–1 Flaming Bears, but I’m hoping that my newly acquired Steelers defense can bring it home for me. I’m also excited to see how Crockem and Gutekunst navigate what is likely to be the most heated matchup of the season.