Pillbox

Advice for Awkward People

Dear Sarah,

All of my life doughnuts have been a part of my identity. Not only is fried dough a delight for the senses and the heart alike, it's also part of my geographical heritage.

I'm from Pennsylvania Dutch territory, and when the rest of the country is celebrating Mardi Gras with King Cake and beads, we gluttons stay busy stuffing our faces with fastnachts, or doughnuts fried in lard. A true German treat. The tradition goes that before the joy-sucking sadness of Lent, families would make these doughnuts on steroids in order to clean out the stock of lard and sugar.

In my lifetime, however, Fastnacht day has always just been an excuse to indulge in another local institution: Maple Donuts.

I can't even remember all the family and church gatherings I've attended to that have been flanked by Maple Donuts, sheathed in a crackly layer of sweet powdered sugar glaze, or filled to the gills with a tart seasonal jam. They also have excellent deals on day-olds that cannot be beat for a late-night craving.

So imagine my horror when, home for the summer, I begin to see Maple billboards cropping up with some dipshit Trump lookalike screaming "You're NOT fired, you brought Maple Donuts!" I thought maybe it was a silly joke. But no, in reality, the man who founded this seemingly-perfect enterprise is genuinely a very dedicated Trump supporter.

This has completely marred my relationship with the fried delicacies I once held so dear to my general midsection. I look at a doughnut, and all I can see is a glazed pile of poop. This time, Trump has gone too far.

I don't know how to reconcile such a deep inner-conflict. Please guide me, oh hungry one.

Dried Out Ugly Guy Has Negated Our Tremendous Sweets

Dear DOUGHNOTS,

This is indeed a very unfortunate spot that Maple has put you in. It breaks my heart to hear that a memory so good and pure should be drug through the mud in service of a businessman's personal interests, but that could be my catchphrase these days.

I think that, unfortunately, you can never go back to Maple Donuts. That man does not deserve a penny of your money, even if he makes a damn good doughnut. But that doesn't mean you have to stop eating doughnuts all together.

Take, for instance, Peace, Love & Little Donuts. The owner of one of the franchise locations openly holds very offensive views about homosexuals, which seems a little counter-intuitive to his theme of peace and love. But just as it is his first amendment right to express those beliefs on his personal social media accounts and blogs, it is your right to spend your dollar at the location in Oakland.

There may be no equivalent of Maple Donuts in your hometown, but hey, Dunkin Donuts isn't that bad, and they keep their nose out of politics. You may be eating a worse doughnut, but at least it doesn't benefit an openly terrible person.

This election season we've all had to emotionally break up with Trump supporters that we thought we loved: Aaron Carter, Hulk Hogan, Teresa Guidice, and even Peter Thiel. Cool people that used to be cool. But now we must shun them to make them feel the full consequences of their choices.

Sacrifice your doughnuts, not your principles.
Sarah