Pillbox

advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

I was waiting for the bus to get to Hofbrauhaus, and these two older guys in tattered clothes walked up. They started talking at me about restaurants that only let you in with a tie, about how poor we all are, and about how one of them is totally fine being poor ­­­­­­­— that if money rained down on him from the heavens, he would leave it behind. Then the bus came, and he asked me for 50 cents, and I said no. Should I have said yes?

Cheapskatedly,
Bumped into Eclectic, Eggplant-Round Man, Opted to Not Give Extra Rupees

Dear BEER MONGER,

You should have said yes.

He gave you valuable insight into the mind of a man who doesn’t give a crap about money, and that’s worth more than 50 cents. But paradoxically, he asked for the money — and for the somewhat odd amount of 50 cents, not for a dollar or more. Maybe he had to pay for parking nearby? Probably not. But honestly, what could he have gotten for 50 cents? A gum ball? A sticker tattoo? Party blowers? A candy G-string?

Although, if you needed that 50 cents to get your liter at Hofbrauhaus, then don’t even acknowledge the guy — beer is more important.

Or just buy some candy underwear,
Evan Kahn

Dear Evan,

I have this thing where I comment on women’s appearances to whoever is around to hear me. I make sure that the women can’t hear me, but I am frequently heard saying things like, “Girl’s ass is lookin’ fine in those … wait, are those shorts or pants?” and “I don’t remember her being that busty — is it a push-up bra? Her tank top?” I’m a gay man, so this is okay, right?

Judgmentally,
Often Boisterously Seen Excoriating Random, oft Vivacious In Nature, Girls

Dear OBSERVING,

Objectification is pretty looked down upon these days — but most everyone still does it. They just keep it to themselves. So, while I guess you not being attracted to women softens the issue a little, you still risk coming off as a douche if you verbalize it like that — especially because you’re gay. We shouldn’t talk about things we don’t understand.

But objectifying men is totally cool,
Evan Kahn