Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

I’m a Carnegie Mellon parent and alumna, and I’m ashamed at the state that this advice column has fallen to. I used to write in all the time, but now all the answers are dead boring. What happened to the racist commentary? The masturbation jokes? If this continues, I just might cancel my Tartan subscription, leaving you with only two people who subscribe to the paper version.

Yours,
Tired of Euphemisms, Aphorisms, and Maturity, Must Indulge in Ludicrous Farces

Dear TEAM MILF,

I made a New Year’s resolution this May that Advice for Awkward People will reach a level of distastefulness so high that we receive at least one angry email regarding our inappropriate content every week.

That said, this column is geared toward Carnegie Mellon students, so I’ll mostly be making fun of them — but our school prides itself on its diversity, so I’m sure I’ll be able to touch on nearly every subgroup. Also, racism isn’t funny, but masturbation is definitely on the table.

Plus, everyone loves a good penis joke,
Evan Kahn

Dear Evan,
I want to get laid during my first month at Carnegie Mellon, but I don’t know anyone here at all. I’m not, like, super attractive, but feel like I could bust some moves if I met someone mildly interested. What can I do?

At a loss,
Forging Intimate Relationships Sucks,
Too Youthfully Egregious Apropos of Rhetoric, Besot with Overpowering Yearnings

Dear FIRST-YEAR BOY,

Sometimes not knowing anyone, especially at a party, can be a great first step toward shagging. That said, considering that you’re the type of person to write to a school newspaper column asking how to get laid, I doubt you have the necessary skills to pick someone up or flirt in the real world. After all, you do go to Carnegie Mellon (you set yourself up for that one). Saying “bust some moves” doesn’t really help your case, either.

Unfortunately for you, even Tinder requires some degree of proficiency in flirtation, if not more than usual. Try matching interests with someone on a faceless dating app like Twine Canvas. You’ll probably have more luck.

Or just calm your libido,
Evan Kahn