Horoscopes

Aries
March 21 - April 19

With the days getting hotter and work piling up, you might be a little down. Go ahead and wallow. There's nothing more comforting than a good pity party with a bucket of ice cream.

Your Lucky Misunderstood Spread: Vegemite
Your Lucky Wallowing Song: R.E.M., "Nightswimming"

Taurus
Apr. 20 - May 20

If you're feeling a little slow today, don't let it get you down. Maybe the rest of the world is just in too darn much of a hurry. Jerks.

Your Lucky Soup Side Effect: Clears Out Your Sinuses
Your Lucky Costume You Need to Keep Wearing: Cat Woman

Gemini
May 21 - June 21

In the business, downtime is pretty hard to come by. So today, you might want to think about how you use yours. Sure, it might sound good to sit around stuffing yourself with handfuls of Crunch ‘n Munch, but that only feeds your mouth. What about your soul?

Your Lucky Mosquito-Borne Disease: Dengue Fever
Your Lucky Gag Gift: Lunch bag of Vomit

Cancer
June 22 - July 22

It’s Monday, so you feel like you just want to relax and procrastinate a little on things. It’s fine. Fall back on the soft grass.

Your Lucky Hangover Remedy: Gatorade and a Banana
Your Lucky Hangover Prevention: Stay Home

Leo
July 23 - Aug. 22

You have a lot on your mind today. The thoughts spinning around in your head might feel really important and heavy. Truth is, they're probably not. So you might as well think about something else, like how cute baby hedgehogs are.

Your Lucky Fake-Healthy Trend: Vitamin Water
Your Lucky Nostalgic Aroma: Elmer's School Glue

Virgo
Aug. 23 - Sept. 22

Your intellectual prowess can easily intimidate others, which is normally a-okay. But today, you might want to turn it down some. You know, for the little people.

Your Luck Cheesy Flavor: Hispanic
Your Lucky Under appreciated Vegetable: Okra

Libra
Sept. 23 - Oct. 22

Abraham Lincoln once said, "Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." But not today. Go ahead and say whatever's on your mind. I'm sure we're all dying to know.

Your Lucky Sign of the Impending Apocalypse: MTV's [ITAL]The Hills[ITAL]
Your Lucky Gross-But-Strangely-Appealing Odor: Gasoline

Scorpio
Oct. 23 - Nov. 21

You know that thing I told you to do last week? Do it again. And maybe tomorrow too.

Your Lucky Brilliant but Depressing Movie: [ITAL]Requiem for a Dream[ITAL]
Your Lucky Under appreciated Dark Comedy: [ITAL]Death to Smoochy[ITAL]

Sagittarius
Nov. 22 - Dec. 21

It’s amazing what you can see and hear when you keep a low profile, and that’s the kind of stuff that can come in very handy in the future. If you know what I mean.

Your Lucky Condiment: Dill Relish
Your Lucky Disturbing yet Delicious Invention: Magic Shell

Capricorn
Dec. 22 - Jan. 19

I'm assuming your food doesn't taste all that great. So today, try keeping it out of your mouth.

Your Lucky Tapeworm Detection Strategy: Hover Over a Shallow Bowl of Milk
Your Lucky Character that Terrifies Children: Chuck E. Cheese

Aquarius
Jan. 20 - Feb. 18

Watch out for the critters today. The weather might look nice, but don’t be fooled. If you sit under a tree and a bird poops on your head, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Your Lucky Urban Dictionary Definition: "Butt Dial"
Your Lucky Mucus Color: Yellowish-Brown

Pisces
Feb. 19 - March 20

Watch out for the critters today. The weather might look nice, but don’t be fooled. If you sit under a tree and a bird poops on your head, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Your Lucky Biodiesel Benefit: Cars that Smell like French Fries
Your Lucky Imaginary Disease: Restless Leg Syndrome