Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

Today’s Halloween. I was cleaning the basement for this party I’ve been planning for months and found a box containing, to my utter delight, my PS3 and some of my old games, all of which I’d stowed away since I’ve been in school. Then, taking a break on Facebook, I saw an ad for 60 percent off all horror-themed games. I could play Red Dead Redemption and Castlevania games all night! But then I remembered my party. I have this zombie Mario costume — I get to say, “It’s a-me, Mario!” in a really deep voice — but all I want to do is sit on my couch, drink Lion’s Head, and play video games. Is that okay?

Need an answer soon,
Sadly Hankering After an Uneventful Night On the Floor Trying to Hit, Expel Demons, Ectoplasms, And Dracula

Dear SHAUN OF THE DEAD,

Someone said you can’t have your cake and eat it too, but isn’t that what Halloween’s all about — eating more sugary food than you should reasonably ingest? It can also readily apply to your situation. You know how many people secretly just want to stay at home and drink with a couple close friends? Well, not a lot, but still a good amount. So don’t cancel your event; instead, make it an all-night video game bonanza, make the max number of attendees 15, and bar the rest from the premises. Make sure everyone still brings $5, because you want money for booze, and you definitely don’t want to be sober when you get to games like Haze or Aliens: Colonial Marines.

Or be that guy and cancel your party hours before it starts, you simpering sack of spuds,
Evan Kahn

Dear Evan,

I’m really cold, but I’m too cheap to turn on my heat. My roommates are freezing, but I’m the only one who knows how to operate the heating system. How do I avoid their wrath?

Writing this from hibernation,
Holding Out, Attired in Robes Fitted ’Round and Over Sheer Torso

Dear HOARFROST,

Just turn on the heat before you make a fool out of yourself. It’s November already; it’s about time.

Just don’t turn it up so high that your Tupperware melts,
Evan Kahn