Pillbox

Advice for awkward people

Dear Evan,

I started living with two girls and a long-haired guy this year. Now, every time I try to take a shower, the water backs up to my ankles because their hair keeps clogging up the drain. I have to keep a mechanical pencil in the bathroom to poke a hole in what looks like an insect’s lair, so that I can drain the water every morning.

I would take the hair out, but I’m just too disgusted to do anything about it myself. I’d also bring it up with my roommates, but I don’t want to create a hostile living environment (and I’m afraid they’ll just make me do it). Also, with Thanksgiving coming up, they all offered to make dishes, since I have to be at work that day — I’m a cashier at a … an adult product store. But I can’t go on like this!

Help! Desperately, Hate to Ask, Instead Reliving Yesterday by Stabbing Aqueous Cocoon

Dear HAIRY SAC,

Sounds like a real conundrum! Well, not really. You’re just a wuss.

Why haven’t you quit your job yet? A workspace that doesn’t give you Thanksgiving off is a space not worth working in. Unless they give you freebies, in which case, follow your dreams. Although why you can work there and be too squeamish to clean up some hair from the bottom of your shower doesn’t make much sense to me.

You probably don’t have the time, since you go to Carnegie Mellon, but take a fork, or chopsticks, or giant sewing needles, and spool up the hair. Then, knit three braids out of them and tack one on each of your housemates’ doors. They’ll admire your ingenuity, and I’m sure they’ll get the idea.

If they don’t react, and you find another moist cocoon lounging around in your drain a couple days later, then you’ve already figured out how to remove the hair without touching it, so you might as well make some use for it. Knit yourself some mittens for these cold winter days to show off to your housemates — maybe even a sweater! A passive-aggressive sweater.

The best time for a striped (passive-aggressive) sweaterrrrrr is all the tiiiiiiime,
Evan Kahn